Courage to Change

May this life testimonial of Bro. Rollie serve as an inspiration and give hope for us people who are experiencing same-sex attractions. May this also challenge us to live chaste lives and grow in holiness in accordance with the divine will of God for each and every one of us. 

The Eucharist and My Journey to Chastity: A Testimony

A testimony from one of our Courage officers, Bro. Joseph Anthony, on the occasion of the Feast of Corpus Christi.


700. That's the estimate number of sexual partners I have had. I was sexually active for many years before I joined Courage. One survey I read said that a sexually active homosexual man in the US would have an estimate of anywhere between 500 to 1,000 sexual partners in their lifetime. I was within this range so my estimate must have been correct (though I am a Filipino, the gay sex scene should be similar.)

Courage was to me God's answer to a lifelong desire to be free from sexual desires. I tried so hard and for so long to not engage in homosexual acts but nothing worked (and the 700 is the overwhelming proof of my failures). On attending my very first Courage meeting, God showed me that it was possible, through the witness of others who have been living chastely for many years despite their same sex attraction, to live a life free from lustful and homosexual acts. This was 2 years ago in 2014.

From that point on, I made a commitment to intensify my prayer life in order to storm the heavens for more graces to resist indulging in homosexual acts. I committed to doing one hour adoration twice a week then. There, in front of the Blessed Sacrament, I will be sorry for all my sins and seek God's deliverance and redemption. In May of that year and during one such adoration, I was driven to make an estimate of the number of sexual partners I have had. I would from time to time recall my encounters and be very remorseful for them before God. When I realized the quantity, I became even more remorseful. I prayed to God that He leads me to ways on how to make amends for all these. But the enormity of the offenses I made was just too great and the impact eternal that I do not have the capacity to do so. Then a message came to me: "I want you to receive the Holy Eucharist for every person you have had sex with." Only Jesus, who is eternal, has the capacity to make amends for the eternal damnation our sinful acts have caused.

It was then I understood for myself the meaning of how my weakness reveals God’s strength. Because of my weakness of the flesh, I am eternally connected to each and every person I have had sex with (because sexual union is unitive). And by receiving the Eucharist in me, Jesus will enter these connections to heal us.

Because of the number, this meant that I had to receive the Holy Communion as often as possible. A year has 365 days so to be able to receive communion for 700 meant I had to do this daily for 2 years. Thankfully, God has formed in me the habit of attending mass regularly on weekdays. My office then had a chapel near it and so I already had the habit of hearing mass during lunch or after office daily for years.

The message came with a bonus too. I received this task in May of 2014 (around 2-3 months after I joined Courage). In a succeeding adoration session, I was led to reflect that May is a month dedicated to the Blessed Mother. I was made to realize that if I was a true devotee of the Blessed Mother (which I thought I was), then I should also be hearing mass on Saturdays because this is a day of the week consecrated to her. Of course, I preferred sleeping till late on Saturdays so I never thought of hearing mass on Saturdays too. In my parish, they only had Saturday masses in the morning. I decided, at least for the month of May, to make the sacrifice and hear mass too on Saturdays. Here we can see how when God asks us to do something, He also provides the solution. In this case, it was sent through His mother.

Since then, I have become a daily communicant. And because I knew I couldn't receive Holy Communion in a state of mortal sin, I had to strive harder not to engage in homosexual acts nor masturbate nor watch pornography. And when I did commit any of these, I immediately sought the Sacrament of Reconciliation so as to receive communion immediately.

Receiving the Holy Eucharist daily has been most efficacious. I have been sober with others since I joined Courage 2 years ago. This for sure is not a small feat for someone who habitually had sex with others. There were close calls but God delivered me from them all. My masturbation and pornography indulgence have been less and less frequent. The Holy Eucharist was both a means and an end. I have been led to a virtuous cycle of which the Holy Eucharist is the center.

It has been two years since God made me a daily communicant. By faith, I know that He has already healed and freed me from all the attachments I had with all my 700 sexual partners. By some unfathomable grace, I now feel freer. God has taken me to a point in my journey where I can now actually distinguish a temptation from sin. Before, I would immediately feel guilt and shame for every temptation and consequently commit sin. The guilt and shame are at the same time cause and effect of sinfulness; cause because I already feel dirty and so I might as well indulge, effect because once tempted I know that I will immediately give in. They used to be the same for me even if theoretically, I knew they were different. The Holy Eucharist has taken out this guilt and shame, which are the weapons of the enemy. God has now made me realize that being weak is not the news, but rather, that He comes and saves us is the Good News. I also have much hope and faith that I will soon get rid of my masturbation and pornography addiction too. I have experienced longer and longer periods of sobriety for these two. If He can miraculously deliver me from homosexual acts, He can for sure deliver me from other sins too.

As we celebrate the Solemnity of the Body and Blood of Christ this Sunday, let us more fervently adore Jesus in the Most Holy Eucharist. Let us open ourselves to His body and blood and receive Him that He may truly, fully and finally live in us for all eternity.

Mary, Mother of the Eucharist, pray for us.

+Joseph Anthony of the Sacred Heart of Jesus
Corpus Christi 2016

The Proof of Identity

Another personal testimony from the President Emeritus of Courage Philippines , Bro. Rollie.


by: Rolando delos Reyes II

All my life I have been trying to prove myself before people. I believe it is more than my homosexual issues, though I also believe that it started there – the moment I began to question why my feelings and attractions are different from my biological sex, that was when I began to question my very identity, the question of who I am, and a huge gaping hole filled my heart.


The Origins in My Family

“Wala kang kamukha sa pamilya mo” [You look like your famiy] commented one of my friends when I introduced my family to her. The comment seems harmless, yet it has cut skin deep. I was born with a cleft palate, and looking at the faces of my immediate family members, I began to question whether I was really part of their clan. I was comforted knowing that on both sides of my father and mother, I had relatives also with a cleft palate. Yet it did not remove my insecurities, since there were cousins and uncles of mine who would tease me about it. Coupled with this, there were times my father was not there to defend me – like when he had to go abroad to work, or when he chose to join a doomsday cult in Palawan who believed the second coming is at hand. Though he eventually came back, during those times, my mother would seek comfort in me as the eldest son, sometimes crying with words like “iniwan tayo ni Papa mo” [Papa left us with you]. So I developed a strong bond with her, even if at times I felt that avoiding things to be lost or broken is more important than me. I noticed that I got noticed when I was "a good boy" and followed her rules. Yet I would have mixed feelings of joy and disgust when she would tell our relatives “etong anak ko laging maaasahan” [my son is always reliable]. With my father, there is a longing to be close as to a stranger; with my mother there is a longing, yet fear, to be detached –The thought of being "a good boy" is born.


Teachers and My Superiors

Growing up, most of my teachers were women, and I held them all in high regard. The good boy in me was primed up by the affirmations I got when I helped them carry their books or do some errands. But there were two incidents when I was falsely accused by them – one was about cheating during examinations, and the other was about stealing money from the Mass collection. Indignant about the seeming injustice that I felt, I vowed that I would be the extreme of what they accused me of – as my mother would put it “ang pinakamasama mong gagawin ay yung magsinungaling”[the worst thing is to just lie]. And so I excelled in both my academics and my conduct grades, and made sure none of my teachers would have anything against me – the thought of being a "perfect performer" is born.

This performance orientation continued throughout my schooling and even when I was already working. So it felt like a dagger in my heart when my rector in the seminary asked me to leave, and in college, I would rather drop my subject than fail it. When I started working in a corporation, I allowed myself to be cursed and shouted by my clients, even if the problem was beyond my control. And there were times that a phone ringing or the approaching tapping sound of my boss’ heeled shoes was enough to make me anxious and afraid of seemingly impending bad news –a thought that I am a big mistake is born.


Where I Belong

I never had a best friend. More accurately, I never had a best friend who would always be there for me. Having had my early education in an all-boys school, most of my classmates and school mates would tease and bully me because of my harelip and my effeminate ways, excluding me during play time, hitting me or playing pranks on me or berating me with foul words until I cried in public. Once in a while there would be this one boy, who would come and make friends with me, but it would only last for that school year, and then he would transfer school or section and he would have his new set of friends. In high school I would be close to a group of effeminate boys like me, yet even though I enjoy their company, there was a thug in my heart that wanted to m'ake friends with the manly kind – but I felt they won’t understand. Even when I came to this Catholic community, I knew they would not understand. But there were two men who dared to try to understand. They included me in their accountability, and slowly I realized that I was also a man. However, when they started to court, and date, and eventually married – I distinctly remembered how I embraced one of them on the eve of his wedding and told him “iiwanan nyo rin pala ako”[leave me as I shovel]. I completely resigned myself to that idea that I shall live and die alone. And so I started preparing for it – getting memorial and pension plans, purchasing a vault in a columbarium, and scribbling my last will and testament – the thought that " I am alone forever" is born.


Even in the State of Sin

“Tutal, eto na ang pananaw sa akin ng lahat, magpapakabakla na lang ako”[after all, here is the point of me, I am just homosexual] – this was my rebellious stand after being subjected to multiple life experiences of rejection. And so I lived the homosexual life to its full bloom – I engaged in romantic and sexual relationships, even if I knew these were fleeting, I joined my friends when they cruised at night or when they would go on a weekend to dress in “drag” behind closed doors, and I had numerous anonymous sexual encounters in movie and bath houses and massage parlours. And the irony of it is that even in the LGBT scene, there exists rejection – that only the beautiful, the toned and muscular, the witty, or the sexually adventurous was accepted. So I survived the gay scene collecting juicy stories of my latest escapades without regard to decency and morality. One night after another juicy encounter, I remarked to a friend “hanggang kalian tayo maggaganito?” – and the silence led me to rethink of my hedonistic behaviour. Coming to terms with my sexual immorality, I was confronted with deep shame that seems irrevocable – I am a boil in the body of Christ, and a cobweb in the house of God – the thought of a "shame-based self" is born.


Myself in Shambles

Like the prodigal son, I began my long journey back to the Father. Healing retreats, prayer partners, books of restoration by Andrew Comiskey, Leanne Payne and John Eldredge, inspiring videos such as The Third Way: Homosexuality and the Catholic Church and Desire of Everlasting Hills, and personal testimonies from personalities Ansel Beluso, Marwill Llasos and Vins Santiago enabled me to start this journey to change. I joined Catholic communities and became active in support groups that would enable me to face the realities that I have so longed to escape. I began to stop the engine of my sexual and relational addiction, and I am overwhelmed at what I find inside. Coated in layers of shame and self-condemning guilt, I face jets of deep hurts and trauma, bitter roots of judgments and inner vows, and nightmares of my past encounters. There are times that I seemingly repeat my sinful past, and in those times I allowed myself to be used and abused physically and financially. There are times that I presume an upsurge of grace, when I am invited to talk or give witness to an assembly, and in those times I became arrogant like the Pharisees of old that I forget that I am still a sinner and not an ordained saint.

My accountability group noticed my schizophrenic self, and they came and prayed with me. What came out were two false selves that I am trying to reconcile – the image of the forever victim of broken past, and the image of a Messianic future. What they asked me afterwards devastated me – they asked me to lay down both images. Like a bewildered child, I cried out “Sino na ako pag nawala ang mga ito?”[How will I lose them?] They assured me of their prayers, saying that they would rather deal with someone who does not know who he is, than someone who lives a lie through false selves.


The Equation of Identity

A mentor once told me about this equation: Desire + Design = Destiny. The desire is everything that we feel and want and need. The design is everything that God has made us to be. And the combination of what we do with desire and design spells our destiny – of who we would become. Which, between desire and design, is easier to tinker with? Which would have lasting effect when changed? We need to realign our desires, to rediscover our design, in order to rebuild our destiny.

This involves a long, difficult and painful process – likened to peeling an onion, layer upon layer upon layer – tears are unavoidable as raw emotions that was long unrecognized surface. Lenin rightly said “A lie said over and over again becomes the truth”. The lies that I have believed in have to go, in order to unmask my true self. And even as God reveals the truth about who am I, grace is needed for me to trust and believe it. In my long healing journey, God has made known that I am forgiven, I am His beloved, I am not a mistake, I am not just a man, but His knight placed in front of His army – yet even if in my head I appreciate it, in my heart I doubt it. He has brought me back to those traumatic moments of my life and let me see how He was actively present in all of these, yet I still fail to trust Him. My constant prayer is: Lord, help me in my unbelief.

This is why I attribute homosexuality as not only a psycho-emotional and developmental issue, but a spiritual one as well. This is my warning to young people led to believe that being gay is okay. The devil does not want us to know who we are, because as St. Ireneaus said “The glory of God is man fully alive”. He wants us to remain blind to the greatness of our identity in Christ. Yet God desires that we see our worth beyond what we do, and what we have, but in what He has made us to be.

All my life, God has been trying to prove Himself to me. Jesus, help me to trust in You!

Hearts Moved by the Immaculate Heart of Mary

This is a personal testimonial of one of our Courage brothers who visited the patients living with HIV/AIDS at San Lazaro Hospital in Manila.

O Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to Thee.


On June 13, 2015, on the Memorial Feast of the Immaculate Heart of Mary and Feast of St. Anthony of Padua, Courage did one of two outreach activities planned for this year. We visited the ward for people living with HIV/AIDS (PLHA) of San Lazaro Hospital to provide spiritual care for our brethren.

We all gathered at the Bambang LRT station at 8:30 a.m. and proceeded to San Lazaro together from there. We were met by our chaplain, Fr. E who in turn was received by the San Lazaro Chaplain, Fr. H.

We first visited the beautiful chapel inside the hospital grounds. This institution is dedicated to Lazarus, he whom Jesus loved and brought back from the dead. We knew in our hearts that this day will move us substantially and so we offered what was going to happen next to God.

We then gathered at an office by the chapel where our Courage brother L, who works there as counsellor, briefed us on what will happen. We were instructed on how to properly relate with them that will not put them in greater harm, physically and emotionally.

We then went to the ward, which is about a 5 minute walk from the chapel. At the ward, we stayed in a small room while they invited and gathered the patients to the ward lobby. When everyone was set, we sat on a big circle and prayed the rosary together. This was a most meaningful prayer of solidarity where we connected with our PLHA brethren in seeking the help of Jesus the Healer through His most tender and loving Mother. It was solemn, serene, and comforting --- as if the Lady herself was coming to each one of us and taking us all in under her maternal care.

After the rosary, Fr. E proceeded with giving the sacrament of the anointing of the sick to each of the patients who wished to receive it. I was among who followed Fr. E in the anointing and I was witness to how once the priest puts on the chrism on the patient’s forehead, a spiritual change happens. It is as if a heavy burden is taken off from them; their eyes move behind their closed lids and they take in a deep breath of air. Their faces then transform with a certain glow of peace. After the anointing, we gave each one a rosary scapular.

This is a common ward and so not all are Catholics. L warned us that based on his experience, not all patients will welcome receiving the sacraments. Some are even extremely skeptical while others will be too weak. But he observed that on this day, there was an unusually high number of patients who agreed to receive the sacrament and that the patients were very docile. There were a total of 22 patients that day and about 60-70% received the sacrament.

I believe that this is the work of the Blessed Mother. She opened the patients’ hearts to receive her Son, their one true Healer and Savior. And not just them, but our hearts too -- Fr. E’s and Courage members’. Fr. E was at his most pastoral when he joyfully administered the sacraments without fear or hesitation. He embodied what it is to be courageous for the Lord. To see the patients at their condition---so weak, so frail, so fragile, you would be very afraid to approach them for fear of hurting them. But Fr. E did otherwise. He knew Jesus would not be afraid to approach and touch them. And maybe the Blessed Mother made him see too the weak, frail, fragile suffering Christ on the way to the cross on the faces of the patients? Remember, the Blessed Mother saw the suffering Christ on His way to Calvary with her own eyes too and comforted Him despite her sorrow and pain.

We were all for sure changed by this. The post activity debrief said it all: loss of words, overwhelmed, shocked, in tears…deep feelings that linger. Inspired by the Immaculate Heart of Mary, this pierced our hearts and out came love for our PLHA brethren and for God, that moves us to serve them and to obey God’s will.

Joseph Anthony of the Sacred Heart of Jesus



"I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me." - Matthew 25:36

How the Divine Mercy Helps Me in My Struggles with Same Sex Attraction

This is a two-part testimony of a fellow Courage brother a.k.a Joseph Anthony of the Sacred Heart on the power of the devotion to the Divine Mercy in his spiritual life. This Sunday, April 12, is the Feast of the Divine Mercy. Please take time to read about the great promise of our Lord on that day here. Take advantage of this feast. Jesus desires to enfold all sinners in His Great Mercy no matter how great our sins are. He only asks that we place our trust in Him completely. Let us all pray the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy often and perform deeds of mercy everywhere and at all times.

Part 1

In 2006, when I was 33 years old, I was fortunate to have been given a chance to travel to Rome. A tour of the Vatican City was of course included. During that time, St. John Paul II just recently passed away and my friends and I asked to see his tomb. It was at the basement of St. Peter’s Cathedral at that time and so we went. In front of his tomb, I did a typical Filipino custom of “bulong”, that is, mentioning a wish to a dead person to carry it with them to Heaven. My wish to St. John Paul II was for him to take away my homosexuality.

My job then required me to travel a lot. And aside from the business portion of the trips, I try to make it a point to have casual sexual encounters for every foreign destination I get to by going to bath houses, to cruising places or hooking up via the net. This trip to Rome included a trip to Amsterdam, one of the gay capitals of the world. Engaging on a homosexual encounter there would be a sure highlight. But somehow, I did not feel like having a homosexual encounter in this trip. It must have been the grace of the Church via the Vatican that was preventing me.

Fast forward to Dec 2013, when I was 40 years old. In a family reunion during the Christmas holidays, a cousin of mine gave me a prayer booklet on the Divine Mercy. She explains that she has been a recent devotee and would like to spread the devotion to the Divine Mercy. I found it interesting but I just left it in my car to pray it whenever I remember to. I never did.

On Jan 2014, I attended my annual retreat and during Spiritual Direction with the Priest Retreat Master, who I had as retreat master too a year prior and who already knew of my same sex attraction struggles from last year, suggested that maybe I need a support group for my struggles. It was he who introduced me to Courage. At first, I was surprised to find out that there actually is a support group and a Catholic one at that. So after the retreat, I set out to contact Courage and found out more about it through this blogspot. I sent an email and I got a reply after a few days. We exchanged our contact numbers via email and set up a meeting. Our first meet-up was on Valentine’s day, Feb 14. Picture that: two men with same sex attraction meeting up on a Starbucks on Valentine’s day! My old self would have called this a classic EB; but God has a way of renewing things.

Joining Courage made me realize in a substantial way that I am not alone with my struggles. I have a lot of gay friends but all of them seem to not be bothered with pursuing the homosexual lifestyle. I was well adjusted to my condition, i.e., I did not hate it, but an overwhelming feeling that I was not doing God’s will was ever pressing as I have always been prayerful and pious. Courage also increased in me the desire to pray more. The more I know about my condition, the more I realize that there is much more to be done, and the more graces I will need to call upon, so I pray some more. I decided to commit to one hour a week Blessed Sacrament Adoration as part of this deepening prayer life. I have attempted this so many times before but the one hour was just too much for me. This time, I decided to use the Divine Mercy prayer booklet that my cousin gave me as my starting point of the adoration. Suddenly, by God’s grace, since then, one hour was a breeze.

Much more than that, the weekly adorations were blessed with so much revelations and enlightenment. Praying to the Divine Mercy, Jesus said that His Divine Mercy seeks homosexual sinners. I asked how. He answered that He wants to use me. Then He made me look back at all the many homosexual encounters I had in the past. My guess estimate is that I have had sex with about 700 men. I felt much shame and sorrow with how I have defiled all these souls and I am forever connected to them because of my homosexuality. I had a strong urge to make atonements for each of these souls that I have defiled; to heal our vicious relationship. Then the Divine Mercy told me to receive one Eucharist for each of the souls that I have defiled as atonement. It was then I understood how he wants to use my weakness for His glory. I am forever connected to each of these souls because of my homosexual acts with them and Jesus wants to use all these connections to reach them too and heal all of us. Jesus’ words: “My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Cor 12: 9) became flesh for me.

I have been a regular mass goer for some years now (Sunday and weekdays). So this instruction in my mind was doable. Still, it was two years’ worth! But I said yes. A few days later, while reflecting on May as the month of Mary I was made to realize that I was actually skipping Saturday in my daily mass. (Please note that the exchanges with the Divine Mercy summarized above was a series of weekly adorations and did not necessarily occur on one session. As is typical with a dialogue with the Lord, it is not time bound as we understand time to be.). I found this silly especially because Saturday is a special day dedicated to the Blessed Mother. So, starting that month, I decided to also hear mass on Saturdays as proof of my devotion to the Blessed Mother. Since then, by God’s grace, I have been a daily communicant. It is very interesting to see this interplay between Jesus and His Mother Mary. And how when Jesus asks you to do something, He also sends the means to do it, in this case, His beloved Mother. This made real for me: “for my yoke is easy, and my burden light.” (Mt 11: 30)

Being a daily communicant was a most powerful grace. I consider that a major turning point in my redemption. Graces, mercies, understanding, consolation, and deepening of virtues came successively since then. Whereas I would often lose in my same sex struggles before, I was winning more and more frequently now because of the Eucharist. What I would like to point out though is that some days / weeks prior to becoming a daily communicant, towards the end of April that year, St. John Paul II was canonized together with St. John XXIII, during Divine Mercy Sunday. I read some more on St. John Paul II and found out that he was a Divine Mercy advocate. He has heard my “bulong” 7 years prior and sought the Divine Mercy to help me. It is also during his visit on World Youth Day 1995 that he emphasizes: “Do not be afraid.” Which is courage actually phrased differently that is quoted on the Courage shirt. Divine Mercy, I trust in You.


Part 2

One of the activities that Courage does, and which I enjoy, is doing mission work with some kids in Antipolo through the Missionaries of Charity. These kids come from poor neighborhoods which the Missionaries of Charity sisters regularly visit. They saw that these kids, mostly teenagers, are already manifesting homosexual behavior…they were boys wearing make-up and blouses and acted flamboyantly. They will gather them once a month at the Missionaries of Charity house in Antipolo and will invite Courage members to meet with them. We are now giving them catechism classes and more importantly, developing friendships with them.

Then, on another occasion, the Missionaries of Charity house in Tayuman invited us to give a talk on homosexuality there too. During this activity, some of us were discussing and wondering in amazement how come the Missionaries of Charity has been helping us tremendously in our apostolate. Their dedication to this apostolate was a mystery to us.

(Witnessing or apostolate is the fifth goal of Courage. As I am being slowly enlightened, it is an integral part of our healing.)

Some weeks after that discussion re the generous help given by the Missionaries of Charity, while surfing Facebook, I chanced upon a video posted by the Marian Fathers of the US on a lecture on the Divine Mercy. It was about an hour long but since I had this growing devotion to the Divine Mercy, I wanted to know more. The priest speaker was talking how the devotion to the Divine Mercy can be summarized in the acronym FINCH --- feast, image, novena, chaplet, and hour. Then he proceeded explaining each. When he got to “image”, he explained its background and how it is printed in their office by themselves to manage the cost. Then he shares that part of the proceeds of the sale of the image goes to the funding of their seminary. He goes on saying that a tenth of the images printed are sent as donation to the poor through the Missionaries of Charity. When it got to this part, I cried uncontrollably. I cried because I suddenly felt the weight of the seriousness of His intent that He wants His Divine Mercy to reach homosexual sinners. I cried because this was the answer to the mystery on why the Missionaries of Charity are helping us in our apostolate. The Marian Fathers are doing a charitable thing to the Missionaries of Charity in the US. Somewhere miles away, in another part of the globe, the Missionaries of Charity in turn are helping us reach homosexual sinners so that all of them will experience and encounter His Divine Mercy.

We do our best to be faithful with our monthly commitment to visit the kids of Antipolo. Since then, by God’s grace, He has been showing to us His hand of Mercy transforming them. The heavy make-up has been replaced with face powder; the blouses with regular shirts. Sure, the flamboyance is still there, but their sharing sessions and their Gospel and teaching reflections are showing a deepening of faith that surprises us including the Missionaries of Charity sisters.

This month, the schedule we have with them is on Apr 12, the Divine Mercy Sunday. The plan is to talk to them about the devotion to the Divine Mercy. Of course, there is nothing else that would be appropriate to teach the kids that day; this is expected. But, judging from the providential turn of events, it looks like we are in for something wonderfully unexpected. Divine Mercy, we trust in You.


"Souls who spread the honor of My mercy I shield through their entire life as a tender mother her infant, and at the hour of death I will not be a judge for them, but the Merciful Savior. At that last hour, a soul has nothing with which to defend itself except My mercy. Happy is the soul that during its lifetime immersed itself in the Fountain of Mercy, because justice will have no hold over it." (Diary, 1075)

'I'm Attracted to Men, But I Love God More'

This is a brief personal testimony of Jovi Atanacio, a member of the support group After Call. Like Courage, their group also shares with our goal to live chaste lives in union with Christ in the midst of our SSA struggle, but unlike us they are not anonymous. Once again, this testimonial proves that it is possible for people struggling with same-sex attraction to live a life not dictated by one's sexual desires and urges.


Jovi Atanacio testifies that it is possible to be a faithful son of the Church and to be a person with same-sex attraction (SSA), sharing how ultimately, the faith shows homosexuals how to truly love.

“This is my cross …I may be attracted to males … but I love God more,” he said, noting how God through the Church invites all to true love.

While admitting to SSA, having been a former moderator for an After Call community of people with SSA, Atanacio has decided to remain celibate, and agrees with the Catholic position on people with same sex attraction that invites all to love, including homosexuals.

“I am free … I made the decision myself to follow and conform to God’s will and what the Church teaches … I forego of the worldly lifestyle,” he declared, confessing how years back, he was sexually promiscuous with various “casual hook ups”.


Homosexuals called to love

Atanacio bemoaned pro-LGBT rights camps often gloss over the fact that the Church has consistently enjoined everyone, regardless of their sexual orientation, to love.

“As surprising as it may sound, the Church today does not forbid people who experience same-sex attractions to love one another,” shared Atanacio.

He attests that the Church seems to be the only institution that stresses love for members of the LGBT community.

“We are made to love and be loved … And our lives mean nothing if we don’t experience it,” he added.

Atanacio, one of the many actively engaged in the promotion of the devotion to Lipa’s Mary, Mediatrix of All-Grace, thinks the LGBT sector is asking too much when it expects the Church to change its stance on homosexuality.

“The LGBT wants the Church to just let them be … or allow them and not call the [homosexual] acts sinful …which will never be acceptable,” he noted.

“They keep on trumpeting pride in being gays … But they’re quick to blame others when HIV cases run high, supposedly because they’re too embarrassed to buy condoms,” he added.


True love

According to him, while many members of the same sex desire union with their romantic partners because of love, Atanacio believes true love desires more than just physical and emotional union.

“It wishes the good of the other. It wishes the good of the other person, encouraging him or her to embrace the virtue of chastity,” he explained.

He clarified, however, that chastity does not mean turning one’s back on love, pointing out it is but a profound and courageous expression of that same love.

Single and chaste, Atanacio, who also maintains the Facebook group “Wanted: Filipino Saints”, underscored the need to grow in the understanding of what love really means.

“If two members of the same sex profess love for each other, they will strive to do what is best for one other. They will encourage one another to identify themselves as beloved children of God who happen to experience same-sex attractions, rather than people who are defined by their sexual urges and happen to believe in God,” he explained, citing a Chastity Project article.


[Source: CBCP News. Published with permission from Mr. Jovi Atanacio.]

The Lord is my Shepherd - A Personal Testimony

This is a personal testimonial of a fellow Courage brother, 'St. Pope', who has since returned to his hometown province of Antique. 


"The Lord pursues me all the days of my life and I will live in the house of the Lord forever!"

This is how I would describe my journey with the Lord. He always pursues me to return to Him and remain in his love.

In my early years as a child, I was raised by three significant women in my life - my mother and my two aunts. My father is a seafarer and I only met him when I was already five years old when he returned home. However, on his return, I never felt any affection towards him as a father. He was a stranger to me. Although he stayed with us for quite some time, our father and son relationship was not developed. He remained a stranger to me whom I fear for he never smiles.

I grew up in an environment of a family who are mostly devout Catholic and are active in parish and church activities. Their influences draw me to grow in faith to God by being involved in the works of our parish.

At school, I am also excelling as a student. Every end of the school year, it becomes a common practice already for me to go up on stage together with my aunt to receive an award.

I was a good boy. I always wanted to be a good boy. I asked myself, “And for what reason that I wanted to be a good boy?” I thought because it is the right thing to do. But then again, this question revealed a painful truth for what really motivates me to be a good boy. Deep inside me, I wanted this image to stand out to cover up the humiliation that I was experiencing from my peers and to older people who noticed my effeminate behavior. They labeled me with names and made fun of it. They call me ‘bakla’ or ‘bading’. I just could not accept that and I kept on convincing them that I was not what they are calling me. I was hurt not only because of humiliation in public that I was experiencing but because I know for a fact that there is a truth on what they are telling me. I end up convincing myself that there is no truth to what I heard from them. At a very young age, I could not also understand why people looked at gay kids with mockery. I did not want to be mocked; therefore, I do not want to be gay. The other sad truth is I could not open up to my family what I was going through out of shame and fear of rejection from them. I fear that they will not love me anymore.

Yet God is good. When I was in high school, he placed me in an institution where I could grow more in my faith to him. I studied in a Catholic school. There are still people who noticed my effeminate behavior and teased me and mocked me with dreadful names. However, this time, I attempted to become the man just like my peers. I observed, learned and imitated their language and behavior. What moved me for doing this is my longing for acceptance, that sense of belonging to other boys. I was grateful then that God provided me a group of friends where I felt I was accepted and belonged.

When I was in college, God again provided me with a group of friends who accepted and loved me. It was like as if God is telling me that I don’t need to be good at something in order for me to be accepted by other people or for Him to love me. I did not realize it at that time.

Ironically, I was attracted to one of my male friends. The attraction was too strong that I became emotionally dependent to him. My day was not complete if I could not see or talk to him. I did not confess what I was feeling for him and took advantage of our friendship in order to be with him always. But then again, God knows what I was going through. After graduation, our situations forced us to separate ways and we seldom see each other then. After sometime, the attraction faded and what remained is authentic friendship with him. I was eventually able to confess to him my homosexual issues and he accepted me for who I am. We are good friends until now.

My first job at work was in a dominantly male industry – a metal fabrication company where out of around 50 employees in the plant, there were only two females at work. God wanted me to interact and develop more friendship with men.

It was also during that time that I happened to read the book of Rick Warren entitled, “The Purpose Driven Life.” Reading it, God revealed to me this truth - being attracted to the same sex or having an effeminate behavior doesn’t make a person bad. It is the choices that he makes that would determine if his actions are good or bad based on what his Christian faith tells him. This was a liberating truth for me and I finally learned to accept my homosexual issues.

God was never tired of pursuing me. Even when I was working, he sends friends, relatives or colleagues at work who will invite me to prayer meetings and rallies of different Catholic communities like Love Flock, Elim and El Shaddai. While I was busy attending such prayer meetings, I was also living a gay lifestyle discreetly. I have been involved into series of flings and one night interactions with the same sex. I was living a double identity.

God still remained faithful that as He saw me at a loss in handling my homosexual issues, he led me to this Catholic support group called Courage, who caters for men and women struggling with same sex attractions and wanted to be right with God. My healing journey began after I joined this group. Finally, I do not feel alone anymore in my struggles. I have other people who understand really what I was going through and could relate to me. I started to understand myself and God just continuously revealed a lot of truth about his design to me as a man and how I could realign my desires to His will for me.

I have undergone more healing from wounds of the past that led to the development of my homosexual behavior and attractions when I attended the programs of Living Waters. It was a healing program for emotionally and sexually abused persons. I experienced cleansing from my sins and felt renewed.

In God’s perfect timing, He also provided me a community where I can develop and nurture genuine friendship and relationship with real men of God. It was a Catholic movement of single young professionals who wanted to have a personal relationship with Jesus. I became a part of Ang Lingkod ng Panginoon Catholic movement. Healing continued to take place as I grew in my relationship with my fellow brothers and even with sisters. Only then also I realize that I never really knew how to treat women with care and respect. The brothers, through their example, taught me how.

I thought I was already okay. I was wrong. The pressures at work, internet pornography and desires for flesh cause me to take for granted my prayer life and my commitments to my support group and community. Life suddenly becomes overwhelming and I could not take hold of it anymore.

Seeing my situation, God called me to retreat for a while. I resigned from work, left the life at Metro Manila, and went home in my hometown province of Antique. For almost one year, I was not employed. I focused myself in serving our parish youth ministry and in developing our backyard into a vegetable garden. While serving God through the youth ministry, my journey to manhood continued to develop when I became a gardener of our own backyard and front yard. I engage myself to manly activities that I have never done before like building garden boxes, digging and tilling soil, making posts for trellis of beans and ampalaya and many other carpentry works. I enjoyed doing that. It affirms my manhood. I enjoyed being a man. I appreciate the good of the masculine as designed by God.

At present, I serve the parish as a speaker in our weekly Bible study that we have established. God provided me another work to sustain me in my daily needs here in our province, away from the temptations of the metro but very near to my family. I have also re-established a quality prayer life with the Lord.

My journey with the Lord still continues as I strive to live as a good witness of His love for me. There are still issues in my life that cause me to sin and need cleansing and purification.

God has pursued me all through these years of my life and He never failed to show his great love and mercy to me. I may still have battles that need to be won and I believe that with God on my side, there is nothing but victory.

To God be the glory and honor for all that He has done and will do in my life.

Come Follow Me

We just concluded our annual Courage retreat centering on the theme 'Come Follow Me'. I arrived late in the retreat and had actually no idea what the theme was and oh what a surprise! The week prior to our retreat I saw the 'Come Follow Me' signage twice and it kind of struck me as odd. So when I found out that the theme for this year's retreat was 'Come Follow Me', I took it as a sign to really reflect on the ways that I am not heeding His call to follow Him. If there's one thing I learned from the retreat, it is that no matter what our state in life is - married, religious, or single - the universal call is the call to love.

On this blog post, I am going to feature someone who has said his big yes to the Lord's call in an extraordinary way and that's no other than our wonderful retreat master Fr. James McTavish, FMVD.


It is not difficult to look for the address of James McTavish in the quiet, middle class Varsity Hills subdivision in Quezon City (Metro Manila). When asked for directions, bystanders will immediately point to a gated compound where the 'kano' lives. But that is not entirely accurate.

McTavish is a 42-year-old Scot with the laid back demeanor of a bachelor in his 20s. The Cambridge-educated doctor greets his visitor in carefully woven Filipino before shifting to genteel-sounding English articulated with a distinct rhetoric accent.

McTavish, however, did not originally plan to become a priest.

"I studied in Cambridge in England and became a surgeon. That was the only thing in life that I wanted to be. That was my vocation. That was my calling. And even when I was younger, the only thing I wanted to be was a surgeon," he said.

"After I qualified, I wanted to do a surgery...and as part of my training I did six months of plastic surgery," McTavish added.

Things took a different turn, however, when he was invited to work in Sydney, Australia in 1998. He explained that working in Sydney gave him time for some quiet reflection.

"I had the chance to have some time out - I was far away from my family, I was far away from my friends. And in that moment, I did something which I haven't done in a few years - I went back to church."

McTavish said the experience of regaining the habit to listen to Mass gave him peace "in the middle of some uncertainties about the future." During this period, he was invited to a prayer meeting by some sisters of the Fraternidad Misionera Verbum Dei, a religious order under the ambit of the Roman Catholic Church.

"What the sisters started to teach me was how to pray with the Word of God, and then I started to find out that the Church teaches that, when we pray, we speak to God. But when we read the Word of God, God is speaking to us," he said.

He then started to feel that there were certain changes in his disposition as a doctor.

"I became more patient with my patients," he quipped.

"I noticed that I became more sensitive...to the Word of God in my life. And in the middle of these changes, I was enjoying more and more. I started to go running. I had so much energy and I wasn't wasting it in crazy nights out with my friends. And I found myself more focused with more energy for doing the right things and avoiding the things I should." he added.

At 29, he experienced his first retreat. It was during this retreat that he decided to become a missionary for Verbum Dei.


Leap of Faith

Being called to priestly life is all about trust in God, according to McTavish.

"When you say 'yes' to the Lord...to enter religious life, you're taking a little bit of a leap in the dark. And I didn't know that I'd come to beautiful Philippines. I didn't know I'll be in Quezon City. I didn't know I'd become a priest. I didn't know I'd be teaching moral theology in Ateneo de Manila University or UST [University of Santo Tomas]," the priest said.

He spent about two years for his formation course with Verbum Dei in Cebu and spent some years studying in Cagayan de Oro. Subsequently, he studied in Rome for four years leading to his ordination as a priest.

McTavish said that spending his time with the Verbum Dei community helped fortify his resolve to become a priest.

"I found that the Lord gathered people from different walks of life and of course it gave me more peace when I met others who have been called also. That's the beauty of community," he said.


Spreading the Word

Verbum Dei (Latin for Word of God) is a religious order founded by Spanish priest Fr. Jaime Bonet in Majorca, Spain in 1963. The community was granted Pontifical approval by Pope John Paul II as an Institution of Consecrated Life in 2000. Currently, Verbum Dei is present in about 33 countries spread throughout the five continents.

According to McTavish, "The mission [of Verbum Dei] is, first, to form apostles. This word really means people who are mature in their faith. The second mission is spreading the Word of God."

"Our advocacy is to make Jesus more known through prayer with the Word of God," he added.

Currently, McTavish teaches moral theology and bioethics at the Loyola School of Theology in Ateneo de Manila University and UST. He is also the author of the book Choose Life, which is a book that delves on moral, spiritual, and scientific issues about life and the dignity of human life. You can grab a copy of the book at any St. Paul's Bookstore nearest you for only P350.


[Source: manilatimes.net]


"If thou wilt be perfect, go sell what thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven, and come follow me." - Matt 19:21

Why A Gay Porn Star Became Catholic And Staying in the Church

No matter how dark or sinful one's past is, there is always hope and redemption in Jesus Christ. This is amazing grace.

by Joseph Sciambra


Although I had been raised marginally Catholic, I never really considered myself a believer. As a child, I was rather innocent and understood nothing. By the time I was in my teens, my parents forced me to be Confirmed. I stood in front of the Bishop, got the blessing and anointing, but didn’t believe for a single second. When I went into the gay world, I thought of my residual Catholicism as something that needed to be overcome. And, like most of my compatriots, who were also former Catholics, because our matriculation in the Faith had been mediocre to downright heretical, it was not that tough to accomplish. That sloughing off of all that I had never really known or understood left me open to all sorts evil influences that seemed to temporarily fill my innate lonely sense of emptiness.

After that, although I never realized it until the end, my entire life became increasingly desperate. While I falsely thought that I was just exploring my new found freedoms and sexuality, I was actually in a perpetual state of restlessness: always exhaustingly alert and questing for the next big opportunity: from an endless parade of guys to gay porn - it never materialized. Wanting something to hold onto, I turned to the occult - and was again left cold and empty. I was deaf, yet God was calling me. Only, because I had become filled with evil and hate, I misinterpreted this beckoning as a plea to further degrade myself. In an instinctive way, I was punishing myself, because I knew that everything was out of control and because I was powerless before my seemingly uncontrollable passions.

When I suddenly realized that my endless experimentation was leading me to a premature death, I knew that I had to quickly make a decision to change or stay where I was and die. At those final minutes, the Lord Jesus Christ made things very clear to this stubborn and willful little speck of dust: He held out His hands, one restrained the demons that had been chasing me for years, the other was palm out and bursting with His precious blood. I didn’t know why, but I reached out for the wounded hand. Instantaneously, the demons were gone. For the next few days, I laid in bed: asking God over and over gain to forgive me. Every gross and disgusting thing I had ever done kept replaying in my head; the bed became like the floor of hell. I had to unburden myself, but I didn’t know where to go.

Unconsciously, I turned to The Bible. Flipping feverishly through the pages; the whole book could have been written in some space alien language; I understood not a single word. Mysteriously, leaping off the onion skin paper was the beautiful scene of St. Mary Magdalene being forgiven and released from the constant torture of seven devils. I needed Jesus; where was He? How could I find Him? Then, two incidents in The New Testament struck me: the Roman Centurion going to Christ, begging Him cure his servant; “Lord, I am not worthy that thou shouldst enter under my roof but only say the word, and my servant shall be healed.” and the other Centurion, Cornelius, who told St. Peter: “Four days ago, unto this hour, I was praying in my house, at the ninth hour, and behold a man stood before me in white apparel, and said: Cornelius, thy prayer is heard, and thy alms are had in remembrance in the sight of God.” This all brought back the most vivid memories that I had of Jesus, the VHS tapes of 1950s Biblical epics that my father bought and showed us as kids: especially my favorite, “The Robe,” about a Roman soldier who is the self-declared king of orgies, later crucifies Christ, then begs forgiveness from the man who denied Him three times. I longed to go to Peter.

Then, I could have gone anywhere. For, after a second-rate education in the Faith, and since being away formally for over a decade, my ties to Roman Catholicism were weak at best. But, I remembered the Sacrament of Confession; I probably hadn’t been since being forced to go back in the 8th grade, right before our graduation. Growing up, I had always thought of it as a thoroughly stupid practice: kneeling before some man behind a screen and telling him my sins. I didn’t believe in sin. As far as I was concerned: porn, masturbation, pre-marital sex, homosexuality, and even drug use were far from wrong - they had merely been deemed wicked by angry eunuchs who wanted to keep the rest of us from having any fun. Well, all these years later, I realized: I was so wrong. Even though I was emotionally and physically sick, I wanted to crawl back to that little box and confess. I needed my AA moment: to stand up before God and say out loud what I had done and that I was sorry.

Somehow, I tracked down a priest I had met in my late teens, who struck me as particularly pious, and I dropped my sins on him like a ton of rotting garbage. I hated carrying it around and just wanted God to have it. Here, take it, take it - I thought to myself. It felt amazing. The priest was rather unphased and coolly certain - sort of like that image of Jesus I saw on my deathbed. He said, I needed to go back to Mass. Idiotically, I was somewhat surprised. Oh yeah, Mass - I forgot about that, I mused. While the seeming magic of Confession drew me back, the Mass still felt useless and mundane. I hated going to Mass as a boy: whether being marched there by our teachers, or dragged out of bed and pushed out the door on Sunday by my parents - going to church was drag. Blessedly, the same kind priest who heard my Confession invited me to the Latin Mass. Latin, that was the language the nerdy kids studied in high school, I thought. With nothing to loose, I showed up. Now, everything was different from my memories of youth. There was silence, reverence, and humility. I kneeled and could not get back up. I bowed and just stayed there. Jesus was back. He was there. His hands in front of me. His body became the Eucharist; and His blood in the chalice. I quivered and thought I was in front of His throne. When it was time to receive the Lord, I didn’t want to walk to the altar, but would have preferred groveling up the aisle on my stomach. I looked at everyone else proceeding towards the priest; I didn’t want to go. Inexplicably, I rose, and took the host on my tongue.

What had just happened? I thought for sure I would die - as the Lord could only strike someone like me down. But, He didn’t. I lived. I lived. I was alive. Jesus saved me. And, He wanted me. For the first time in my life: I believed in Him. The insolent and gullible little boy who threw it all away got a second chance. I no longer felt alone anymore.

I will never leave the Catholic Church. For, to do so, I would be returning to the same empty existence of despair and desolation that almost cost me the eternity of my soul. Because, only death persistently awaits in my old life; and I choose to live.

(Source:  www.josephsciambra.com)


About Joseph Sciambra:

Joseph Sciambra was born in 1969, in Northern California, not far from San Francisco. He grew up in a stable and loving home while attending Catholic parochial schools from kindergarten through twelfth grade. Early on, the dark shadow of pornography would cloud his entire childhood and teenage years. Throughout the 1990s, Joseph lived around the homosexual culture of the Castro District, offering him rare insight into the daily lives and struggles of many gay men. Later, he became an amateur porn actor and escort. In 1999, following a near death experience, Joseph returned to the Love of Our Lord Jesus Christ and the Catholic Church. Since then he has written extensively concerning the real-life issues of pornography, homosexuality, and the occult. He received his BA from the University of California at Berkeley in Art History and his MA from Sonoma State University.

Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool. - Isaiah 1:18

Love and Acceptance Healed Me

This is the inspiring testimonial of a fellow Courage brother, Dr. Ryan Capitulo, on his amazing healing journey.  He now actively serves in the Feast, a weekly prayer gathering of the Light of Jesus Community founded by Bro. Bo Sanchez.


 I am an obstetrician gynecologist, and I was a practicing homosexual.

In 2004, I felt that God was calling me to have an intimate relationship with Him. I tried to look for a spiritual community that I could join, where I could be accepted as I was.

Then I saw a book of Bro. Bo Sanchez in National Book Store. In the book were the telephone numbers of the Light of Jesus Family. I dialed a number and learned that the Light of Jesus had a group for single men called Joshua and for single women called Esther. I asked if I could join Esther. There was a long silence at the other end of the line. I took it from there that I should join Joshua.

Joshua was a huge blessing. There, I was introduced to Ephesians 5:3: But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.

Those words inspired me to abandon "improper" acts so that I may be what God purposed me to be: pure and holy.

I desired to be sober. Sobriety is the freedom from self-gratification.

I consulted a priest who, at the same time, is a clinical psychologist. He helped me go through psychoanalysis and therapy. I struggled to be sober. But after six months, I engaged in those improper acts again.

My efforts to change my ways all seemed futile. I was already losing hope until I heard about Courage Philippines - an apostolate of the Catholic Church that supports men and women who struggle with same-sex attraction (SSA).

 In one of the Courage sessions, I shared my failures in attaining sobriety, and no one judged me. They accepted me and, through them, I felt God's acceptance, His love, mercy, forgiveness, and embrace.

After our meeting, I became sober for a week, 2 weeks, and many weeks. Today, I have been sober for 7 years, 7 months, and 14 days, and counting.

 In my struggle with homosexuality, only the power of God's love - unconditional, unfailing, undying - has healed and saved me.


(Note:  Although Courage is an anonymous group, Doc Ryan has agreed to publish his real name.)
 

Lonely No More

A peek from Bro. N's journal:

I learned a beautiful lesson reflecting from my experience today. 

I was in my room laughing incessantly from a television series that I just finished watching for the past hour, when all of a sudden I was overwhelmed  by a strong emotion  - one that is not all too unfamiliar. 

I felt terribly lonely. That awful hurting emotion that you are all on your own accompanied by a striking fear of being abandoned. It came from deep beneath the surface I'm well aware. And it's getting more frequent since the healing conference I attended the weekend before which dealt with sexual and relational brokenness. The spontaneous flashbacks - scenes and feelings that you have kept bottled up for so long. 

I was quickly moved to tears. 

It took me a while to go beyond the hesitant anxiety of causing concern, but eventually I gained the strength to text three brothers from our Courage group to pray for me. I am relieved by their words dealing with such a spontaneous reaction. They assured me that asking for help was the right thing to do. The feeling lingered still after my ordeal. But I was consoled psychologically that there's someone present (though not necessarily physically present) when I get the feeling that I'm about to fall. 

Suddenly I realized that I'm no longer lonely after all. And I thank God for it.

Gay, Catholic and Doing Fine

(Editor’s note: Here's a repost from a veritable site, chastityproject.com. It was written by Steve Gershom - a pseudonym - who runs the blog stevegershom.com.)

I have heard a lot about how mean the Church is, and how bigoted, because she opposes gay marriage. How badly she misunderstands gay people, and how hostile she is towards us. My gut reaction to such things is: Are you freaking kidding me? Are we even talking about the same church?

When I go to Confession, I sometimes mention the fact that I’m gay, to give the priest some context. (And to spare him some confusion: Did you say ‘locker room’? What were you doing in the women’s…oh.) I’ve always gotten one of two responses: either compassion, encouragement, and admiration, because the celibate life is difficult and profoundly counter-cultural; or nothing at all, not even a ripple, as if I had confessed eating too much on Thanksgiving.

Of the two responses, my ego prefers the first — who doesn’t like thinking of themselves as some kind of hero? — but the second might make more sense. Being gay doesn’t mean I’m special or extraordinary. It just means that my life is not always easy. (Surprise!) And as my friend J. said when I told him recently about my homosexuality, “I guess if it wasn’t that, it would have been something else.” Meaning that nobody lives without a burden of one kind or another. As Rabbi Abraham Heschel said: “The man who has not suffered, what can he possibly know, anyway?”

Where are all these bigoted Catholics I keep hearing about? When I told my family a year ago, not one of them responded with anything but love and understanding. Nobody acted like I had a disease. Nobody started treating me differently or looking at me funny. The same is true of every one of the Catholic friends that I’ve told. They love me for who I am.

Actually, the only time I get shock or disgust or disbelief, the only time I’ve noticed people treating me differently after I tell them, is when I tell someone who supports the gay lifestyle. Celibacy?? You must be some kind of freak.

Hooray for tolerance of different viewpoints. I’m grateful to gay activists for some things — making people people more aware of the prevalence of homosexuality, making homophobia less socially acceptable — but they also make it more difficult for me to be understood, to be accepted for who I am and what I believe. If I want open-mindedness, acceptance, and understanding, I look to Catholics.

Is it hard to be gay and Catholic? Yes, because like everybody, I sometimes want things that are not good for me. The Church doesn’t let me have those things, not because she’s mean, but because she’s a good mother. If my son or daughter wanted to eat sand I’d tell them: that’s not what eating is for; it won’t nourish you; it will hurt you. Maybe my daughter has some kind of condition that makes her like sand better than food, but I still wouldn’t let her eat it. Actually, if she was young or stubborn enough, I might not be able to reason with her — I might just have to make a rule against eating sand. Even if she thought I was mean.

So the Church doesn’t oppose gay marriage because it’s wrong; she opposes it because it’s impossible, just as impossible as living on sand. The Church believes, and I believe, in a universe that means something, and in a God who made the universe — made men and women, designed sex and marriage from the ground up. In that universe, gay marriage doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t fit with the rest of the picture, and we’re not about to throw out the rest of the picture.

If you don’t believe in these things, if you believe that men and women and sex and marriage are pretty much whatever we say they are, then okay: we don’t have much left to talk about. That’s not the world I live in.

So, yes, it’s hard to be gay and Catholic — it’s hard to be anything and Catholic — because I don’t always get to do what I want. Show me a religion where you always get to do what you want and I’ll show you a pretty shabby, lazy religion. Something not worth living or dying for, or even getting up in the morning for. That might be the kind of world John Lennon wanted, but John Lennon was kind of an idiot.

Would I trade in my Catholicism for a worldview where I get to marry a man? Would I trade in the Eucharist and the Mass and the rest of it? Being a Catholic means believing in a God who literally waits in the chapel for me, hoping I’ll stop by just for ten minutes so he can pour out love and healing on my heart. Which is worth more — all this, or getting to have sex with who I want? I wish everybody, straight or gay, had as beautiful a life as I have.

I know this isn’t a satisfactory answer. I don’t think any words could be. I try to make my life a satisfactory answer, to this question and to others: What are people for? What is love, and what does it look like? How do we get past our own selfishness so we can love God and our neighbors and ourselves?

It’s a work in progress.

Finding Courage

Bob's story is a familiar story about a God-fearing man who strives sincerely to be a good Christian but finds himself battling with homosexuality.  He keeps the struggle to himself but comes to a point where he realizes he needs help. 


Brothers/Fathers of Courage,

Peace to all of you.

I am 'Bob' (not his real name) of Sorsogon City here in Bicol. I am writing you an e-mail because I am also one of those men who is also bearing the cross of same-sex attraction on me. I am 23 years old and have been struggling for years to overcome the urgencies, weakness, guilt and sin of being a homosexual.

Being like this had been an emotional ride. For, admittedly, I found please in giving in to my weakness and temptations. And after some time, I would hate myself for having done these self-abusing acts. To add to my self-inflicted misery but a light of hope to my life, I am also part of a community. I am quite sure you are familiar with YFC (Youth for Christ) and now SFC (Singles for Christ). Even when I am an active member and even a leader of this group, I still lurk on homosexual practices. I thought doing Christ's works and serving others would "pay-off" these deeds. I have been leaving a "double life". And I have been wrong.

Despite of all of this, Christ manifested His power in me. That in my weakness, there is strength. Through these communities that I have joined, I have known my God better. I have learned to worship Him in times of my trials. Last year, through SFC Knights, (a recollection which defines manhood not of worldly meanings but of God's) and after deep thought and Christ's affirmations in my prayers, I have let go of my same-sex partner for over 4 years. It was painful of course, but it was more of a door towards freedom opened for me by God. I opt to be loved by the One who truly loves me.

Now, I want to remain in His love.

However, the battle is still continuing.  I may have let my partner go yet I am still into pornography.  I still feel attractions to the same sex; however, I don't want to engage in anything. That's probably why I felt porn as the closest thing to the 'deed'. Yes, I know this is wrong and this will not in anyway heal me. I am seeking a support group for I know I could not win this battle alone. I will need prayers, guidance and maybe counseling.

I was happy to learn that Courage org has also its satellite here in the Philippines. I would like to be a part of this group, if you may. I would like to know how for I have been seeking a group that specifically attends to the needs of brothers like me. The only concern is that, I am currently here in Bicol.

Please guide me through any process and pray for me as well. Thank you and God bless.

-oOo-

Bob has found courage in himself to admit that he has a problem and that he needs help. It also takes a lot of courage to let go of a relationship which he has done as well. This is the first step and a very important one. Bob has already contacted us and we are praying that through God's help a Courage chapter in Bicol will be established through the permission of their local bishop.

The Many Substitue Fathers I Had

A personal sharing from Bro. A.


I have a new neighbor whose hand I wish to shake in congratulations. He’s a man of about 35 years, married, and with two young sons, about two and five years old. They have moved in a rented room in the house fronting my place – apparently a growing family. I wish to congratulate him because, each time he gets home from work, I can hear his young sons greeting him excitedly, “Daddy! Daddy!”

For that alone, I think he did his job well. I offer a prayer for him, that he’ll find a better life for his two beautiful sons (and beautiful wife).

He instantly earned a place in my thoughts because I don’t remember having the same fond relationship with my own father growing up. No matter how hard I searched my memory, I couldn’t find a single episode or even a single moment that I greeted him, “Daddy! Daddy!” All I can recall is how harsh a man he has been. That’s why I became ‘gay’ or had a homosexual problem, which I struggled to resolve these past few years (thankfully with much success after arduous self-reflective work).

I wish I had a father like my new neighbor. But since I didn’t have one, I just choose to be happy to see fathers here and there doing a great job. Whether they be young or old, I wish to shake these fathers’ hand each time, to give them heartfelt thanks. I also wish to throw a high five for each of their lucky little ones. I wish I could tell my story and the stories of about a hundred other people I know (and have read about) who have had troublesome fathers growing up and who have ended up with the same long-time struggle as mine.

I will be lying if I say I’m not envious each time. I no longer cry – for myself, that is – each time I witness such a father-and-son scene, but I still feel a twinge of envy or jealousy or else have a back-of-the-mind wish that I had a loving dad. Otherwise, I rejoice at such a blessed sight, keenly aware that not everyone is so ‘lucky.’

I routinely see this in church during mass – fathers cuddling their young sons, kissing them gently on the head, embracing them, gazing at them lovingly as if to say, “Behold, my son!,” wasting time with them making some enviable skin contact. How lucky these boys are, I thought.

I feel all is well with the world each time I see this. The kids will grow up loving right and loving life, which will mean a lot less delinquency, a lot less crime and terror in the world.

I worry each time it’s Father’s Day, for it exposes two things I lack. In church, I am always being mistaken for a father, and as a result, I sometimes long to be one and have a son of my own. Elsewhere, I pine to have a father I could greet Happy Father’s Day without being insincere, hurting, or feeling forced to.

This state of fatherlessness seems to be a condition I will have to live with the rest of my life. But if I review my life a bit more carefully, God, in His mysterious providence, turns out to have led me to several substitute fathers in ways I haven’t been aware of.

As a member of a Catholic community, I have been constantly under male mentors who have modeled for me what an upright Christian man should be. These relationships had some notable distance and boundaries, but these are better than zero. All these men, in their own flawed way, helped sustain me.

I also have had a lot of male friends through the years, who served as additional models of masculinity, but their example was limited to peer modeling, not fathering. But since I also have had peer rejection issues, this is certainly helpful.

Older male role models elsewhere in society – sportsmen, actors, politicians, etc. that I got attracted to along the way -- may also be replacement fathers should I choose to ‘idolize’ them in a personal way.

Since I go to Mass and confess regularly, the priests also serve as unwitting father figures to me. Of course, it helps that I also call them “Father.”

Lastly, I consider daily contact with God the Father through my prayer time to be the ultimate replacement for the lack. I tend to project and dump my father issues, however, on God the Father, especially when I’m down, but I know He’ll understand. After all, He’s the perfect dad to have. He’ll also know when I’m being abusive and in need of some major spanking.

This way, I am not much different from everybody else in the sense that we are all fatherless in our need to commune with God the Father no matter if we have had a kind earthly father growing up or not.

Overcoming My Shame of SSA

This is a personal sharing by Bro. Victor. I must say that we are fortunate in Courage to have a handful of priests who stand by us and minister to us. On the other hand, we also yearn for more and more members of the clergy to be bold in defending and upholding the Church's teachings on homosexuality publicly in as much as they are in defending pro-life issues like the RH bill and abortion as the gay agenda is slowly and constantly pushing its way to make it more acceptable by our society.


You know what my problem is? I feel disempowered.

I would like to shout out that I'm a Catholic, single male, I'm 40, and I struggle with same sex attraction. But how can I do that when there are very few leaders in the Catholic Church who are even willing to set an example? How many of our Catholic priests are courageous enough to stand up among the congregation and identify with this struggle?

No, they remain silent. They listen to us confessing our sins of impure thoughts and acting out our intrinsically disordered sexual desires, but where are the church leaders who do not just absolve us of our sins in the secrecy of the confessional, but also stand with us before the church community, to declare that, “Hey, I too am a leper, crying out to the Lord to have pity on me.” Because that is how I feel, like a "leper"; to have to struggle with SSA in secrecy within my Catholic community, and if I were to disclose my struggle with SSA, I would be “cast out into a leper colony”. And I feel as though the only circles where I can experience the full measure of freedom to express my innermost struggles, is among other men and women who also struggle with SSA. So in this sense, isn't it true, that Courage, the support group for Catholic men and women struggling with SSA, is the Church's modern day “leper colony”? When will a “leper” like myself be allowed to be fully integrated with the main body of the church community?

It seems the only people who are bold enough to speak aloud publicly are people who have SSA, but are fighting against the church; and advocating “gay” rights, which to me are “rights that allow persons with SSA to act out in defiance to the Catholic church's teachings on morality and chastity”. Yet those of us with SSA, but choose to live according to the guidelines on morality and chastity pertaining to homosexuality in the Catechism of the Catholic Church, seem to be “bullied” into silence by the “stigma” that being a Catholic person with SSA still carries with it in our contemporary church communities. A “stigma” that makes me feel ashamed to speak up in my church community, rather than boast with great joy that Christ redeems me each day in my struggle with sexual brokenness, that it is by His grace alone that He sustains me in my daily battle for purity.

I often feel overwhelmed by the seeming hopelessness of living as a Catholic “outcast” with SSA. However, if I were to regard my SSA as the “thorn in my flesh” similar to that which St. Paul also spoke of, then perhaps I should actually rejoice and be glad even that I have been given this “thorn in my flesh” as a constant reminder of my dependence on God, that it is His grace alone which sustains me. Perhaps as well, I should also learn from St. Paul, who with wisdom that can come only from the Holy Spirit, spoke of the added benefit of this “thorn in his flesh” that “kept a proud man humble before God”. Perhaps the great paradox is that that this “thorn in the flesh” which seems more a curse than a blessing, helps to develop in the person struggling with SSA, the virtue of humility.

Perhaps this “stigma” of shame that comes with my SSA has little or nothing to do with the lack of solidarity and support coming from church leaders, or the potential threat of rejection by the greater church community in the event of self disclosure, but rather it is a “shadow” that comes with my own self-absorbed pride in constructing an impenetrable fortress about myself, projecting an image that I am perfect and unblemished, yet knowing desperately deep inside that it is all a lie.

“Lord, help me to lay down my pride, tear down the fortress I have built around myself, my fake image, my false pretenses, my excuses and finger pointing, pushing the blame on others; and build instead a new life grounded on the truth that You have redeemed me through your love and sacrifice, that by Your grace I can grow daily in inner chastity as well as humility, patience, temperance, fortitude and charity; and that you have set me free to love others as the Father has loved me. Lord let this truth of Your redeeming love empower me to speak freely and boldly of Your love for me, the same love you offer to all mankind; and help me to love all people, as You, Lord Jesus, love me. Amen.”


http://www.revelife.com/754851828/i-was-given-a-thorn-in-my-flesh-paul-and-homosexuality/

http://www.joshweed.com/2012/06/club-unicorn-in-which-i-come-out-of.html#comment-form

http://gawker.com/5917022/im-a-gay-mormon-whos-been-happily-married-for-10-years?comment=50017956

Isang Taon ng Eukaristiya, Isang Taon ng Tagumpay

Bro. RM's testimony for 2011

Masasabi ko ako ay tunay na pinagpala sa kadahilanang ako ay laging inaanyayahan ng ating Panginoong Hesus sa kanyang Banal na Misa.  Despite my sinfulness, unworthiness, imperfections and weaknesses, God continuously invites me everyday to receive Him through the Sacrament of Holy Communion.  Jesus has already arranged for victory, and it might be just around the corner.  To give us confidence, He reveals Himself at every Mass when the bread and wine become literally his Body and Blood.  Since he can do that, he can surely transform my tragedies into triumphs.  The Sacrament of the Holy Eucharist serves as my strength, a source of inspiration and a place of healing for all my spiritual wounds.  Hindi ko kaya at hindi makukumpleto ang aking buong araw na hindi nasisilayan at higit sa lahat di natatanggap si Hesus.  Subalit hindi naging madali ang pagsunod sa kanya sa pamamagitan ng Banal na Misa.  Nasubok ang aking pananampalataya dahil naramdaman ko na hindi ako karapat-dapat tanggapin Siya, pero bigla kong naisip ang isang verse sa Bible na “You don’t choose me, it is I who chose you.”  Muli nabuhay ang aking desire para sundan si Hesus.  Nagging kaagapay ko rin ang Banal na Kumpisal.  Ito ang nagturo sa akin na magpakababa at humingi ng tawad sa ating Panginoon para sa lahat ng aking kasalanan.  As the Proverbs 24:16 says for a righteous man may fall seven times and rise again.  The occasional disappointments and failures of life are inevitable.  When we encounter the inevitable difficulties and stress of life here on earth, God stands ready to protect us.  Our responsibility of course is to ask him for protection.  When we call upon Him in heartfelt prayer, He will answer – in His own time and according to His own plan – and He will heal us.  What is required on this battle and journey is perseverance and not perfection.

Aaminin ko napapagod na ako at nagsasawa sa laban na ito.  Minsan may mga araw na gusto ko na sumuko pero sa bawat pagkakataon nararanasan ko ito mas lalo ako pinatatatag ni Hesus na muling bumangon at lumaban.  Aaminin ko rin sa digmaan na ito, ay nasusugatan ako ng kalooban at nadadapa pero sa bawat sugat at pagod na aking nararamdaman ay mas lalo ako pinatatapang na muling lumaban at tumayong matatag upang tapusin ang laban.  Just like in the scene of Kung Fu Panda movie it says “We should have inner peace, to heal our wounds and even our scars.  You got to let go of that stuff from the past because it just doesn’t matter.  The only thing that matters is what you choose to be now”.  I can also relate to this line in the movie of the life of St. Francis and St. Claire, it says “Don’t look back Francis, and move”.  These movie lines, inspire me and accept the fact that I will never be perfect if there is no grace from God.  Learn from your fall and start moving forward.  I believe these are the secrets of becoming a saint.  While in the midst of trials, it’s difficult to feel the closeness of God and see his plan of action and understand why He is allowing us to suffer.  We miss seeing the truth because we’re focused on who is causing the problem and what is happening in this visible world.  We need to put our focus back on Jesus.  Since he loved us so much that He sacrificed his life for us.  We have proof that his love is strong it will always embrace us.  Jesus will always take good care of us, doing what is best for us, as well as for all those who are involved in the same situation.  I believe that Christ’s perfect love for me is the reason why I am always staying on His side.  Whatever is causing us to feel anguish or distress, whatever we’re worried about, thanks to our relationship with God, it’s really never bad as it seems.  Evil can never succeed.

No troubles can come between us and our Lord.  God’s love won’t fail to intervene and protect us and guide us to best solutions.  Even while it seems to take too long he is helping us.  Saint Paul assures us that in reality, it’s not the problems that are overwhelming. It’s our victory over the problems.  We conquer overwhelmingly through Jesus who loved us.  Hindi ko masasabing tagumpay at nagsilbing lakas at inspirasyon.  Mga taong nagdasal at hindi ako kailanman iniwan at isinuko.  Nagpapasalamat ako sa Diyos dahil ibinigay nya sa akin ang mga taong naging instrumento: ang Regina Coeli Healing Community, Pink Sisters, Lectors’ Guild, Charismatic group, Courage family at higit sa lahat ang pagmamahal at suporta ng aking pamilya.  Nagpapasalamat ako sa ating Mahal na Inang Birheng Maria na patuloy na nagpapaalala na hindi ako nag-iisa kaya naman bawat taon ako ay inspirado sa kanyang mga salita.  Mahal na Ina, muli ninyo po akong tulutan gamitin ito at bilang pangwakas at kabuuan ng aking paglalakbay sa taon na eto nais ko magsilbing kanta na aking buhay: “My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord, my spirit rejoices in God my savior.  For he has looked upon his handmaid’s lowliness, behold from now on will all ages to come call me blessed.  The mighty one has done great things for me and holy is his name.  his mercy is from age to age to those who fear him”.