Sunday, December 25, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
A few days ago Typhoon Sendong devastated my countrymen in Northern Mindanao that left 569 (and counting) dead and hundreds still missing and leaving in its path ravaged homes and properties. Thousands of families are now housed in evacuation sites. This Christmas let us share with them the true spirit of the season.
I collected these info online where you can send your donations:
1. Philippine National Red Cross
Call Hotline 143 or (+632) 527.0000. You can also visit this site for your donation.
** SMART Subscribers -- Text RED <20, 50, 100, 300, 500 or 1000>, send to 4143
** GLOBE Subscribers -- Text RED <5, 25, 50, 100 or 300>, send to 2899
2. ABS-CBN Sagip Kapamilya
Address: ABS-CBN Foundation Inc. Building Mother Ignacia Ave., corner Eugenio Lopez St.,
Trunkline: +632-415-2272 loc 3765
Direct line: +632-411-4995
Fax No: +632-411-4995
Warehouse: ABS-CBN Foundation Sagip Kapamilya Warehouse(Edongs)
#137 Mother Ignacia Ave., Quezon City
3. GMA Kapuso Foundation
Address: 2nd Floor GMA Kapuso Center, GMA Network Drive cor. Samar Street Diliman, Quezon City 1103 Philippines
Telephone: (632) 982.7777 loc. 9901 / 9904 / 9905
Telefax: (632) 928.9351 / (632) 928.4299
4. World Vision Philippines
You can direct your donations to this site.
5. Caritas Manila
For Cash Donations:
Account Name: Caritas Manila, Inc.
BPI Savings Account: 3063-5357-01
Metrobank Savings Account: 175-3-17506954-3
BDO Savings Account: 5600-45905
PNB Current Account: 10-856-660001-7.
For Dollar Account:
BPI Savings Account: 3064-0033-55
PNB Account No.: 10-856-660002-5
6. La Salle Green Hills
Donations in cash and kind can be received at Gate 2 of La Salle Green Hills at 343 Ortigas Avenue, Mandaluyong City 1550. You may also call any of the following telephone numbers for further inquiries:
Aluimni Office — 721-2729, 722-7750, 725-4720
GS Principal — 721-2482
HS Principal — 721-8914
Buildings and Grounds Office — 721-8904 (Telefax)
La Sallian Mission Office — 726-5851 (Telefax)
7. De La Salle Canlubang's Lasallian Mission Office is accepting cash donations for the victims of the flash floods in Iligan and Cagayan de Oro. Check donations are accepted as well. All donations will be coordinated with the Lasallian Mission Office of De La Salle Santiago Zobel School.
La Salle Academy (Iligan City) is accepting cash donations to help the victims of typhoon Sendong.
Development Bank of the Philippines
Account Name: La Salle Academy
Account Number: 0820-016221-030.
1. Please make cheques payable to La Salle Academy.
2. Kindly make a digital copy (or digital photo) of the deposit slip and email this digital file to Br. Raffy Reyes FSC (President of LSA) email@example.com AND Br. Dennis Magbanua FSC (President of DLSZ) firstname.lastname@example.org for proper documentation and accounting.
8. Gawad Kalinga
Gawad Kalinga Philippine Peso Current Account
# 3101 0977 56 BPI EDSA Greenhills
Gawad Kalinga US$ Savings Account
# 3104 0162 34 BPI EDSA Greenhills
Swift code: BOPIPHMM
9. Xavier University
1) Bank Deposit
Account Name: Xavier University
Account Number: 9331-0133-63
BPI MAIN BRANCH
Direct deposits may be made online from any BPI branches, pay to:
SIMBAHANG LINGKOD NG BAYAN (Account Name/Payee)
Bank of the Philippine Islands (Loyola-Katipunan Branch)
BPI Peso Checking Account Number: 3081-1111-61
BPI Dollar Savings Account Number: 3084-0420-12
Smart Money: Donors to Typhoon #Sendong may help through Smart Money acct. no. 5577-5130-6822-1104 at any BDO, Hapinoy or Cebuana Lhuillier outlets.
Gcash: For GCASH, donate through Red Cross by texting DONATE
One Meralco Foundation is accepting cash & in-kind donations in G\F Lopez bldg, Meralco Center, Ortigas. Call 6328301, look for Joy.
Address: San Bartolome, Novaliches, Quezon City.
Cash donations may be sent through the following bank accounts:
BDO Peso Account
Account name: TV5 Kapatid Foundation Inc.
Account No. 005310-410164
BPI Peso Account
Account name: TV5 Kapatid Foundation Inc.
Account No. 1443-05333-2
You can also send food items, drinking water, used clothing, blankets, medicines, cash and what you have to the following dropping centers:
Cagayan de Oro City and Misamis Oriental:
Panday Bulig Relief and Rehabilitaion Center
Tabang Mindanao Center
12th-22nd streets, Nazareth
9000 Cagayan de Oro City
T/F: +63 (88) 856 6413
(look for Ms. Beryl Tranco)
Rural Missionaries of the Philippines
Northern Mindanao Sub-Region
Room 01, Kalinaw Lanao Center
0016 Bougainvilla Puti, Villaverde
9200 Iligan City
T/F: +63 223 5179
(look for Ms. Ida Melody Bucog)
Bukidnon Peoples' Center
1st Floor, Montero Residence
Purok 4, Pantaron St.
Poblacion, Valencia City
Mobile #: 0926-592-1806
(Contact Zaldy Galamiton)
Dropping Center in Metro Manila:
c/o StartArt Project
10A Alabama st New Manila Quezon City
Mobile: +63926 7112450
email: email@example.com or firstname.lastname@example.org
For cash donations, please send to this account:
Bank Name and Address:
Bank of the Philippine Islands (BPI)
Quezon Avenue branch, 9200 Iligan City, Philippines
Account number: 009359-1348-08
Swift Code: BOPIPHMM
Account Name and Address:
Room 01, Kalinaw Lanao Center for Interfaith Resources 0016 Bougainvilla Puti, Villaverde Iligan City 9200, Philippines
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Says God's Most Valuable Gift Is the Gift of His Friendship
VATICAN CITY, DEC. 14, 2011 (Zenit.org).- Benedict XVI says God's greatest answer to prayer is the gift of His friendship and presence. [Read More]
2. New Manila Archbishop Expected To Speak On Critical Issues
HARDLY had Manila Archbishop Luis Antonio Tagle warmed his seat as 32nd Archbishop of Manila, the faithful already expected him to lead the Catholic Church across “stormy” waters brought about by political bickering and glaring poverty that sends more Filipinos abroad. [Read More]
3. Record Drop In US Marriages Caused By Social Changes
Washington D.C., Dec 16, 2011 / 06:17 am (CNA/EWTN News).- The fact that the number of Americans getting married is at a record low is due to changes in society’s values, public policy decisions and economic factors, says sociologist Dr. W. Bradford Wilcox. [Read More]
4. Consumers Contributing to Sex-Change Operations?
The Human Rights Campaign, the nation's largest homosexual activist group, is lauding companies that provide medical coverage to change one's gender. [Read More]
5. Red Cross: Women Should Have “Access to Safe Abortions”
New York, NY (CFAM/LifeNews) — A recently issued report from the International Federation of the Red Cross and Red Crescent has caused concerns that the organization may start advocating for abortion rights. [Read More]
6. Study Reveals How Pregnancy Can Help Fight Heart Disease
From the Gawker science blog io9 comes a particularly cool revelation about pregnancy that might seem apolitical at first glance, but holds powerful implications for one of the abortion movement’s more callous talking points. [Read More]
7. Nigeria’s Bishops Praise Ban on Public Expression of Homosexuality
ABUJA, Nigeria, December 14, 2011 (LifeSiteNews.com) - Nigeria’s Catholic bishops are praising the country’s Senate for its “courageous and hope-inducing decision” to pass a bill outlawing same-sex unions and public displays of homosexuality last month. [Read More]
8. Student Sues School Over Punishment For Stating Religious Objection to Gay Lifestyle
HOWELL, Michigan, December 15, 2011 (LifeSiteNews.com) - A Catholic student in Michigan is suing a teacher who reportedly punished him for stating his religious belief against the gay lifestyle when that teacher asked him his opinion on the issue. [Read More]
9. Bringing Tim Tebow & Others To The Fullness of Truth That Is The Catholic Church
A very interesting debate broke out recently following my article on the attacks Denver Quarterback Tim Tebow is coming under from militant liberal secularists concerning his public displays of faith. [Read More]
10. Father Barron's Commentaries on Christopher Hitchens
We've assembled a handful of archived videos of Father Barron commenting on his work and illness for your reference. Please pray with us for Christopher Hitchens and his family. [Read More]
Thursday, December 15, 2011
To those of you who wonder why some people don't want to 'come out' of the closet, please read this guest post from Bro. A.
You don’t want to be in the position of a famous actor these days. After his ex-girlfriend made a monster hit of a tell-all on TV, telling the whole world everything except ‘out’ the guy, he has since been subjected to a humiliation by the public through heartless video exposes, parody involving Hitler, and the most vicious comments. If homosexuality is caused by such public embarrassment in the first place, then it’s easy to imagine how the actor is reliving his childhood trauma right now. No amount of his money can comfort him, with the fame and celebrity image he carefully built now more of a curse. If he doesn’t know how to counteract with positive thinking the steady assault of mindless, merciless public judgment, he would want to evaporate right now wherever he is, one can only imagine.
Whether the accusation against the actor of being closeted is true or not, the fact is there are a number of men who would rather suffer quietly than ‘come out’ or admit in public that they are gay or keeping the secret of homosexuality. I’ve interviewed a number of people and here are their answers to the question.
"I want to shield my family from shame and spare my old and ailing parents in particular from the horror of knowing how much they have contributed to it." – Roger, investment house employee
"Why should I come out? I already came out to myself! I have no moral obligation to explain myself to the world. I do not feel compelled at all to do so." – Dennis, dentist
"I don't want to expose myself and others, especially the fact that I was sexually molested by an older boy when I was four or even younger, and was raised by an angry, alcoholic, and verbally violent father and a temperamental, overbearing grandmother. Maybe I'm paranoid, but I am not ready about the possibility of people talking about these terrible, dark secrets of mine. I don't think I ever will be ready." - Jun, computer shop owner
"I am afraid to be humiliated, made fun of with dares and unfair jokes about whether I want to wear makeup and skirts (I certainly don’t!), and worst of all, the most hateful of all, be offered a boyfriend and propositioned with sex (I never had any nor I ever intend to!) How I love to slap their faces!" – John, salesman
"I won’t be understood, so why bother?" – Jon-jon, call center agent
"I am scared of being thought of as having a crush on all them men. I don’t. I do not get easily attracted, not even when muscular guys get naked in front of me. I am attracted only to a particular type. Muscular, athletic types and old men are actually a turnoff to me, but who will ever believe me, right?" – Jeffrey, computer programmer
"I dread the mere thought of the endless explanation I needed to make for something that is so complicated, and the high chances of not being understood in the end." - Darwin, PR man
"So what? So they’d make fun of me? I’d rather that they made fun of me behind my back. I won’t be able to stand being bullied all over again. – Daniel, journalist
I don’t want to be called gay or homosexual. To be a man, to be accepted as a man – that’s what I want." – Ryan, student
"Because I can’t consider myself wholly gay or homosexual. I’ve changed a lot after many years of counseling and therapy. Looking back, I shouldn’t even have called myself that because I kept an attraction to the opposite sex all along. I was just more preoccupied with my same-sex attraction problem, wishing it to go away in an instant because I wanted to marry my girlfriend." - Vincent, doctor (now married)
Just some personal comments on that popular actor mentioned in the intro. I don't have to mention his name here because if you are a Filipino chances are you know by now who is being referred to. Bro. A is right. No guy would ever want to trade places with what this actor is going through right now - not even with all the fame, money, and success that he enjoys. I can only imagine the emotional pain amidst this controversy. Actually he is not a stranger to this as he has been through with similar situations before only that this time the attacks have become more ferocious with all the technology that we have right now like the social media. He is being bullied and dragged 'out of the closet' so to speak by those same people you would see on gay pride parades decrying homophobia and intolerance and perhaps some of those lobbying in the congress to pass the anti-discrimination bill. So much for the gay agenda!
I have read many mean and nasty comments and saw malicious photos that insinuate that the actor is gay. It makes me wonder why some people derive wicked satisfaction in smearing other's reputation. It may sound to you as if I'm defending this actor. I do not know him personally but even so I just want to point out that what these people are doing to him is so uncharitable to say the least. Why is his personal life such a big deal to us? So what if he broke up with his girlfriend? Whether he is struggling with SSA or not is not your or my business. Can we spare this good man with this so much nonsense? This actor is a good person and a God-fearing fellow, and quite frankly he doesn't deserve all the bad press he is getting now. I especially detest those rumors and bad jokes being spread online. It's so despicable because it's so below the belt and just plain unfair. These are offenses against the eighth commandment of God which forbids us to bear false witness against our neighbor.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
What is wrong with being single? Nothing. What is wrong with being in your 30s? Absolutely nothing! But when those two come together - single and 30 something, people are starting to wonder why. And add one more thing - single, in your 30s, and struggling with SSA. These are the sort of things I try to avoid when dealing with people. Tomorrow is the wedding of my youngest brother and I will be his best man. I can already anticipate the big question that perhaps some well-meaning family friends and relatives might ask of me - "When is it going to be your turn?" I'll probably say, "Maybe in the next 10 years or so. You see, P-Noy is still a bachelor until now, so I guess I'm in good company." My policy? - Don't ask, don't explain.
This must be one of the reasons why I avoid social gatherings like class reunions, weddings, and family gatherings like a plague. I personally feel I don't have any obligation to explain why I'm still single until now or why I don't even have a girlfriend. (You see, I'm a certified member of the NGSB club (no girlfriend since birth) and believe it or not NBSB as well. I wish I can tell them straight but I fear that they are not just ready. I pray that when the time comes I will be emotionally ready and that they will understand and accept me still unconditionally.
Last November I had the chance to attend Kerygma Conference 2011 under the Single Blessedness stream. I was surprised to find a fellow Courage brother there. At least I was not alone. I noticed that the majority of the attendees were women and I felt quite out of place. There were a handful of men though.
Among the four speakers who gave talks, I was most impressed with Dr. Beth Melchor. She remains to this day a single lady and she seems to be having the time of her life! Most of her life she has dedicated in doing God's work and has found immense joy in doing so. She exuded an aura of confidence and fulfillment in her countenance and her life was so overflowing with joy she was ever so ready to surrender it to God at any moment. What a woman! Why did she choose to be single? She said it was her vocation from the very start. She thought of entering the religious life, but felt that God was not calling her to it. She elaborated two examples from the Bible for those who are discerning this road less traveled. One is that Our Lord Jesus Christ chose this vocation for Himself and that in the afterlife (heaven) the dead neither marry nor are given in marriage. She also compared her vocation to that of a 'pearl of great price'. When asked about growing old alone she said we shouldn't worry about the future and let God take care of that detail and that she had no regrets whatsoever because she has dedicated all her life to the service of God and fellowmen. After the talk, I couldn't help but be inspired by this woman who is a living testimony of a life well lived and a cancer survivor as well.
So I guess being single is not that bad after all. A person who pursues this path is single but not necessarily alone and blessed because the source of that blessedness comes from Christ, who gives purpose and meaning to our lives whatever road we choose to travel on.
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." - Robert Frost
Sunday, December 11, 2011
THE church should fear the sin of its own members more than hatred against Christians, Pope Benedict XVI said. [Read More]
2. US Might Turn Blind Eye to Religious Freedom
While Christians Suffer More Persecution Than Any Other Faith
ROME, DEC. 8, 2011 (Zenit.org).- Christians have become the most persecuted followers of any religion in the world today, according to participants at a recent conference in Moscow. Yet the U.S. government appears to be scaling back its work to safeguard this crucial human right. [Read More]
3. Health Chief Won’t Quit Over ‘Gay Slur’
HEALTH Secretary Enrique Ona defended himself from demands for his resignation over alleged “anti-gay” statement during a meeting on acquired immune deficiency syndrome (AIDS) last week. [Read More]
4. Report Challenges Jesuit Universities’ 'Sexual Diversity' Conference
Washington D.C., Dec 7, 2011 / 03:13 am (CNA).- A new report by the Cardinal Newman Society says a conference series hosted by two Jesuit universities appears to question and even undermine Church teaching on sexuality and marriage. [Read More]
5. Gotta Be Married To Get Divorced
The Texas Supreme Court has the task of deciding whether marriage will continue to be defined as a union between one man and one woman. [Read More]
6. Obama Offers Plan For U.S. To Be Global LGBT Sex Cop
The Obama administration has announced it intends to make the United States the global sex cop, with plans to try to intervene in the workings of other nations where homosexuality is not promoted as well as plans to create special provisions for homosexuals and those with other lifestyle choices to gain special admittance to the U.S. [Read More]
7. Study Showing Abortion Hurts Women’s Mental Health Attacked
Washington, DC (CFAM/LifeNews) — It did not take long for a new study finding a link between abortion and mental health to spark unfounded criticism of the paper and attacks against the author. [Read More]
8. ‘Gayest Superbowl Halftime Show Ever’?
The gay and lesbian news outlet Xtra is predicting that the 2012 Superbowl halftime show will go down in history as the “gayest Superbowl halftime show ever.” [Read More]
9. European Parliament Urges Access to Abortion to Stop The Spread of AIDS
December 9, 2011 (LifeSiteNews.com) - The European Parliament, the European Union’s representative body, has passed a resolution urging the use of abortion and contraception to stop the spread of AIDS, while making no mention of abstinence education. [Read More]
10. Archbishop Dolan Discusses Church Teaching on the Dignity of Human Life
SOUTH BEND, Ind. (EWTN News/CNA)—New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan gave the inaugural lecture for Notre Dame’s Project on Human Dignity Dec. 6, citing the worth of each human life as a basic principle of Catholic faith. [Read More]
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Reflections from our annual Courage recollection in Anawim.
Pope Benedict XVI released his new encyclical letter, "On Christian Hope," Nov. 30, just two days before the beginning of Advent. Not surprisingly, the Holy Father's timing was perfect because Advent, more than any other season of the year, is rooted in the virtue of hope.
For Catholics, the real new year begins not on January 1, but on the First Sunday of Advent, the day when the Church begins her annual new cycle of Scripture readings and worship. The season of Advent, deriving from the Latin verb advenire, meaning "to come" or "to arrive," has a two-fold purpose: first, to remind us of the birth of Jesus in Bethlehem and all that it implied for the salvation of the world; and second, to ready us for Christ's Second Coming at the end of time as King and Judge of creation. Like Lent, Advent is a time of preparation. Also like Lent, Advent is a penitential season - but not in the same strict way. Rather, Advent embodies the words of the liturgy, which remind us that "we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our savior, Jesus Christ."
Benedict's new encyclical is a rich and challenging document. It's not easily absorbed in one reading. But one of its most important lines can be found right in the opening sentences. The Holy Father reminds us that for Christians, the virtue of hope enables us to face the burdens of daily life, no matter how heavy. He writes that "the present, even if it is arduous, can be lived and accepted if it leads towards a goal, if we can be sure of this goal, and if this goal is great enough to justify the effort of the journey" (1). Faith in Jesus Christ leads us to hope for eternal life. Christ's life gives our lives meaning. If we really believe in Jesus Christ, we will have confidence in the future, no matter how bleak some days or some problems seem. For in the end, Jesus has already won our salvation and the happiness that comes with it.
The source of the word "virtue" is revealing; it comes from the Latin noun virtus, meaning "strength." The virtue that Christians call hope is not a warm feeling, or a sunny mood, or a habit of optimism. Optimism, as the great Catholic novelist Georges Bernanos once wrote, has nothing to do with hope. Optimism is often foolish and naive - a preference to see good where the evidence is undeniably bad. In fact, Bernanos called optimism a "sly form of selfishness, a method of isolating oneself from the unhappiness of others."
Hope is a very different creature. It's a choice; a self-imposed discipline to trust in God while judging ourselves and the world with unblinkered, unsentimental clarity. In effect, it's a form of self-mastery inspired and reinforced by God's grace. "The highest form of hope," Georges Barnanos said, "is despair, overcome." Jesus Christ was born in a filthy stable and died brutally on a cross not to make a good world even better; but to save a fallen and broken world from itself at the cost of his own blood. Such is the real world; our daily world; the world of Christian hope - the world that Pope Benedict speaks to when he writes in his new encyclical that "all serious and upright human conduct is hope in action" (35) and "the true measure of humanity is [determined by our] relationship to suffering and to the sufferer" (38).
In the words of Benedict: "To suffer with the other and for others; to suffer for the sake of truth and justice; to suffer out of love, and in order to become a person who truly loves - these are fundamental elements of humanity, and to abandon them would destroy man himself" (39).
As we ready ourselves for the joy of Christmas this year, let's live Advent well and remember why we're supposed to be joyful. In the end, Christmas is not about gifts or carols or parties, though all these things are wonderful in their place. Christmas is about the birth of Jesus Christ, who brings meaning and hope to a world that needs redemption. In Him, and only in Him, is our hope.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Vatican City, Dec 2, 2011 / 12:46 am (CNA/EWTN News).- To mark World AIDS Day on Dec. 1, the Pontifical Council for Health Care Workers appealed for universal access to life-saving treatment for all AIDS victims and urged others to show solidarity with them. [Read More]
2. Cohabitation and Marriage: Not Equal Alternatives
Studies Continue Confirming the Need to Strengthen Families
ROME, DEC. 2, 2011 (Zenit.org).- The popularity of cohabitation as an alternative or a preliminary step to marriage continues to grow. Data published this week by the British Office for National Statistics for England and Wales confirms the trend. [Read More]
3. Church’s AIDS Drive Targets Young
THE Philippines Catholic Church is focusing its HIV and AIDS awareness campaign on the “high risk” groups of youth and migrants, a priest involved in the campaign today said. [Read More]
4. On World AIDS Day, Let’s Be Honest by Teaching Kids that Male Homosexual Sex is High Risk [Read More]
5. Philippines: Pro-Abortion Groups Funding RH Bill Backers
Pro-abortion groups have been showering “reproductive health” (RH) lobbyists with millions of dollars in funding for years to promote the Western agenda of contraception and population control, documents showed. [Read More]
6. England’s Top Catholic Bishop Endorses Gay Civil Unions
December 1, 2011 (LifeSiteNews.com) - According to The Tablet, the Archbishop of Westminster, England, has publicly expressed support for homosexual civil unions, a move that appears to put him at odds with a clear Vatican decree against supporting such unions confirmed by Pope John Paul II and then-Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger (now Pope Benedict) in 2003. [Read More]
7. Lawsuit Against New York’s Homosexual ‘Marriage’ Law Moves Forward
WASHINGTON, December 2, 2011 (LifeSiteNews.com) – A New York state judge has allowed a lawsuit that could overturn the state’s homosexual “marriage” law to move forward. [Read More]
8. Entrepreneurial Evangelization
Where’s the “Silicon Valley” for Catholicism? Allow me to explain.
We Catholics give a ton of money to some really, really great charities who do amazing work. But most of it goes toward only one part of the “need chain” - the end product (or the bureaucracy to deliver it). [Read More]
9. Should We Seek Economic Equality?
The Occupy movement in light of Church teaching.
The wealthiest people — the top 1% — have experienced the greatest income growth in recent years; the 99% have seen smaller growth. The rich aren’t getting richer while the poor get poorer — all income groups have increased in wealth. But the vastly rich have gotten much wealthier (hundreds of times so) than the not-so-rich and the poor. [Read More]
10. Why Hating Is Too Easy and Forgiving Is Too Hard
Psychologist Considers the Reasons People Choose Bitterness
ARLINGTON, Virginia, NOV. 29, 2011 (Zenit.org).- Though hatred ferments within a person and prevents positive achievements, still, it seems to be on the rise. Doctor Paul C. Vitz, associate professor and senior scholar at the Institute for the Psychological Sciences, is asking why. [Read More]
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Do you know what is the most popular post on the Courage Philippines blogspot? According to my Feedjit stats it's about HIV Testing Centers in the Philippines. It's both good and bad news - good because those who are most at risk are taking a huge step to confront HIV/AIDS and bad because that could also mean the cases are rising at a very fast pace, and this we know for a fact.
One brother from Aftercall, a Catholic ministry for persons struggling with SSA, works in the Department of Health Manila and is conducting free and confidential HIV/AIDS testing and counseling. Consultation is free as are the medicines for selected STDs. You can contact him at 09224537826.
If you love yourself enough, get tested now. If your results come back positive, they can refer you to appropriate support groups and facilities for treatment. If your results come back negative, give thanks to God for giving you a second chance. And please, please, as much as possible, abstain from future sexual encounters. Also, don't buy the idea that condoms can protect you from future infection; that's a big lie. For the majority of gay men, the root cause of the escalation of HIV/AIDS epidemic is risky behavior and not merely ignorance, and using condoms only makes you indulge in riskier behaviors because of the sense of security that it provides. By doing so, it effectively neutralizes whatever benefit the condom may offer you. Please take note that anal sex puts you at a very high risk to contract this disease because the linings of your anal canal are thin and rupture easily, providing an easy route for HIV to enter your system.
I have always believed that true love does not contribute to the spread of AIDS because it is a love that is ever ready to sacrifice for the sake of the beloved. True love does not put others at risk; it does not compromise.
In the final analysis, only abstinence, education/awareness, fidelity (for married heterosexual couples only), and a proper understanding of human sexuality are your best weapons against HIV/AIDS and so please control your angry birds (with pun intended).
Today, December 1, is World AIDS Day.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Another powerful sharing of God's healing love from 'Piologs', an Ichthus Community brother.
I almost didn’t make it to this training for financial reasons, unable to decide whether I’ll be spending wisely on this. But with the encouragement of a friend, I agreed to attend the event. Also, I wanted to encounter the Lord in a powerful way and understand why I had been acting out again even after the 25-week Living Waters program. I was living a double life as an elder member of my Singles for Christ community. Secretly I was addicted to porn, masturbation and casual encounters at spas. I wanted to escape; I quit my job and found it difficult to look for a new one. I know I needed help and with a heavy heart I sought the Lord’s intervention. He didn’t disappoint.
Days before I went to the retreat, my mom had an emotional breakdown. She went home drunk from a family event and started crying and scolding my dad - a stroke survivor – and how all of us demanded so much from her and what would happen to us if she died (she’s so emotional after seeing her sister whose health is degrading from cancer). I thought to myself how this was so unacceptable, how she continued to reveal her insecurity and what would my siblings think and get from this. During the first session of the retreat about mother wounding I recalled this recent experience and it validated my lack of sense of being. Mama was so young when she conceived me before they got married. I sense a lot of hostility from both sides of the family even before I was born. She was so naïve she didn’t even know how to breastfeed me. I always saw her insecure and absentminded with her glassy-eyed stares. It must have been because of her worries about her relationship with papa who was not ready for a married life and was busy with his friends, work and other 'extra-curricular' activities. I brought this to my small group and it made me feel the anger and how I blamed my mother for all this but was redirected to offer this feeling to the Lord.
The following session was about father wounding and I remembered how Papa was so absent in my younger years and how busy he was reliving his singlehood. During the ministry session, we were showered with affirmation from the men of the Living Waters team. I remember getting the message “I’m proud of you” thrice, “pinag-mamalaki kita” whispered to me at the end as if to drive His message I desperately needed to hear! I broke down and thought to myself this is what I sought for the longest time now. I remember weeks ago I had argument about my father about me not appearing busy or being busy for the wrong reasons. I participated actively in my SFC community and was out of the house most of the time. I defended myself and told him, "You don’t even know what I’m up to!" While he was walking away, he told me ‘despite that, I love you’. Instantaneously my response was a defensive, "Yeah sure, it’s just not obvious." I felt guilty rejecting him and I thought this must be how strong my defensive detachment was to any of his affirmations: any form of love reaching out to me. This must be how I had been rejecting God’s love. I brought this to my small group and acknowledged my mistake in rejecting God’s love. I felt my palms for the first time truly opening up ready to receive His love. My small group leader affirmed and told me that God had already placed a solid structure in me, “a real maturity and spiritual wisdom” that just needed an in-filling of God’s love. But still I wondered, "Why am I like this?" It is as though the cup of my heart had a lid unable to receive God’s love."
The next session brought me to my memories of abuses. One by one, episode after episode, my abuses came to me and I felt how real the pain was. I was shaking and unable to contain my anger. Then I was gently asked by my small group leader to reveal and specify the most hurtful experiences. I remembered a time when I argued with my Mama about buying something and she called me ‘bakling’ and I defended myself and got mad at her. She told Papa what happened and he sided with her and scolded me and called me "bastos." I felt so alone and defeated. I remember the many beatings and humiliations I got from my Papa. One time, I argued with him and he didn’t like how I defended myself from him and he hit me with a monoblock chair in my forehead and told me he wanted to kill me. I ran away and was called back to realize my godfather visited us and I acted as if nothing happened. I remember one time they told me that papa used to lock me in the bedroom as he watched porn and I didn’t know why he did so. I remember walking in the same compound and seeing my relatives watching porn and how terrified I was. I remember being traumatized by my papa accidentally shooting our roof while my uncle tried to take a gun away from him when he shouted threats of shooting a neighbor he had a spat with. I remember the time while doing my chore when he showed me a gun and tried to teach me how to use it and I told him, "I don’t need it." He told me, “Wala ka!” He also called me "shit," scolding me for something I forgot to do. These experiences made me vulnerable to physical beatings, humiliations from both sides of the family. It made my self-esteem dive down so that I got further bullied outside of home, in elementary and high school. I felt so unwanted. I got exhausted with all this and just cried out to the Lord, "I’m tired!" I started grieving that the people that were supposed to protect me were my ultimate attackers. I grieved that my voice was always shut down and not valued. I grieved for the loss of a secure and happy childhood that could have made me a different person. I got stuck in this vengeful spell. I was thinking, "Could it be that I’m just a difficult kid?" I felt like I was abnormal as a kid, but I was comforted by my small group leader that these were not right and these were real violations. I realized this must be the reason why I had been rejecting my Papa. I made a vow that, one day, I’d be so self-assured, I would not get any form of love from him. I’d reject anything coming from him, and he’d feel humiliated. Well, it didn't happen, and I grew clingy and emotionally dependent on 'friends.' I realized this was how I had been treating God as well: how I would justify my sinful spending and told myself I deserved to be satisfied. I would get my satisfaction and no one had to give me any. I’d get it myself. I confessed it before my small group and how I realized the gravity of my offenses.
During the night session, I came to the forgiveness session with a heaviness in my chest. We were asked to write down the names of our abusers and surrender them to the pool of ‘blood’ at the foot of the cross. As I dropped my paper with names of Papa, Mama, my relatives and classmates, I got fixated on the pool. I felt my eyes burn with anger. I was invited to look at the cross and just surrender everything to God, no questions asked. I felt God telling me, "Give it to Me, NOW!" After the session was over, I went to the chapel and cried out how difficult forgiving was. I gazed at the altar and saw the image of Mama Mary holding the kid Jesus. I thought to myself, this was what I needed; this was what I had been longing for. I asked the Father to hold me, to lift me up, to take care of me and keep me safe. I longed to be held in my father’s arms. I brought this to my small group and was affirmed how the Father was reaching out to ‘parent’ me now. And I opened myself and received God’s love and tried to respond to His embrace. During the afternoon session on restoring masculinity, a representative of our Father asked for forgiveness, for the many hurts and humiliations he caused, for being absent and rejecting. Finally I said to myself, "Yes I forgive!" I felt the love of God rush through my body. I felt His justice and His mercy overcome me and I received it all.
During our last small group session, my small group leader told me he felt like a rebirth took place in me. And that he was confident that deep change had filled in me that I would never go back to my old ways. He made me stand and he continued, “You have enough now to stand and fight. I see you with a sword in your hands and you plunge it into the earth, to say, 'Enough! This is where I stand, this is where I fight, this is what I choose and I will live for, here is where I will stay.'” So my five days in Living Waters Leadership Training ended full of hope. A brother asked me, why only now? I told him I don’t know, but who can argue with God and His ways.
I feel that the Lord is asking me to step up and use this experience to reach the broken. Last Sunday I testified in my SFC community with all these experiences and called the broken to admit the pain and seek healing from God. I feel liberated and reconciled. I am still in awe of how the Lord has worked and is working. I ask for your prayers as I aim to share this experience with my family, my parents. I would like to bring this encounter into a completion and really solidify the grounds I’m standing. Thank you for your time, and I pray for your protection.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
1. CBCP to Launch National AIDS Sunday
THOUGH the incidence of HIV infection and AIDS in the Philippines remains at a relatively low level next to Thailand and African nations where figures ballooned following massive condom use campaigns, there are still Filipinos who live with the disease and who need support and compassion. [Read More]
2. Pontiff Reports That Africa Has a Freshness of Hope
VATICAN CITY, NOV. 23, 2011 (Zenit.org).- Benedict XVI dedicated today's general audience to a review of his weekend trip to Benin, reporting that he found in Africa a "freshness of hope." [Read More]
3. Health Risks in 'Reproductive Health': New Studies on the Pill
More Research on What Women Are Not Being Told
WASHINGTON, D.C., NOV. 23, 2011 (Zenit.org).- Approximately 100 million women worldwide use some version of "the Pill," or combined oral contraceptives. In the developed world, the use of some form of contraceptive is nearly universal, with surgical sterilization and oral contraception the most popular methods. As the United States and other Western powers continue to spend billions of dollars on the "reproductive health" of women in the developing world, the numbers of users continue to rise. [Read More]
4. Tremendous Benefit for the Philippines
In a cooperative venture, the Tim Tebow Foundation and CURE International will be opening a new children's hospital in the Philippines. [Read More]
5. Steve Jobs Was Glad He Didn’t Become a Victim of Abortion
A new biography of Apple founder Steve Jobs indicates the businesses visionary was glad he did not become a victim of abortion. [Read More]
6. Thanksgiving: A Call to Pray Before Feasting
The Thanksgiving tradition began with our early Americans, the English colonists--known as Pilgrims--who were celebrating days of thanks for the success of their first harvest. This was all part of their religion. These were days of mostly prayer, not just days of feasting. [Read More]
7. ‘We Were Deceived’ on New York Gay ‘Marriage’ Vote: Archbishop Dolan
NEW YORK, NY, November 25, 2011 (LifeSiteNews.com) - In the aftermath of the legalization of gay “marriage” in New York state, some commentators had wondered why, despite their leadership role in the fight against the law, the state’s Catholic bishops’ efforts had ultimately seemed so strangely half-hearted, given the high stakes. [Read More]
8. Homosexual Activists ‘Increasingly Aggressive’: Family Research Council
WASHINGTON, DC, November 25, 2011 (LifeSiteNews.com) – Homosexual activists have becoming “increasingly aggressive” in attacking their opponents and in shutting down any debate, but despite their efforts “there are legitimate grounds for debate on the origin, nature, and consequences of homosexuality,” argues a new analysis from the Family Research Council. [Read More]
9. Pamela Anderson Playing the Virgin Mary Says It All
Pamela Anderson, the silicon enhanced sex tape star and Playboy centerfold, will be playing the Virgin Mary in a sketch comedy show that will appear on the Comedy Network and in Canada. [Read More]
10. Baby Saved From Abortion After Parents Watch ‘180’
November 25, 2011 (LifeSiteNews.com) – As the pro-life film 180 continues to attract an ever growing viewership, its creator Ray Comfort has announced that the video is doing more than just changing people’s minds on abortion: it is saving people’s lives. [Read More]
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Join millions of Red Cross volunteers as they run for humanity to celebrate the International Year of Volunteers on December 4, 2011, at SM Mall of Asia!
All registered participants shall receive an MVR Registration Kit:
* MVR Registration Form
* MVR Race Bib
* MVR Whistle
* MVR T-Shirt
* MVR Race Map
* MVR Raffle Stub
* Red Cross 143 IID with Disaster Leader's Guide
* Red Cross Membership with one year Accidental Benefits
And can avail of the following Red Cross Trainings for FREE:
* Disaster Management Course
* Psychological Support Program
* Accident Prevention
* HIV-AIDS Prevention and Education
* Substance Abuse Prevention Education
* Home Nursing Course
* Leadership Training
* International Humanitarian Law
For more details, check out the following:
Philippine Red Cross Quezon City Chapter
Quezon City Hall Compound, Diliman, QC
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
This is a guest post from Bro. A as he narrates his not so pleasant childhood experiences and the resulting emotional pain and trauma that he went through growing up. Thanks bro for this extensive tell-all narrative. I know how it feels to carry this terrible pain of rejection and loneliness all by yourself at a very vulnerable stage of one's life. I am beginning to realize that all these have a purpose and meaning.
Ah, childhood games. To most men, the topic is sweetly nostalgic, but to me, it is tinged with much pain. I can't touch on the subject and not expose myself anew to some of the most hurtful rejections in my youth. To be traumatized by near-death at birth and to feel rejected by one's own father should be more than enough for anyone, but to be rejected by one's own peers! Now, that's far too unbearable. I don't know how I survived it all. It must only be by God's grace that I did. Then again, maybe I haven't yet, for why do I still recall the past and not miss shedding a tear, if not of pained remembering, then of regret from time to time.
I remember the old games for what I didn't play because I didn't fit in. I felt and believed I didn't fit in simply because that's how people around me reacted. Other than I wasn't very much interested in most of the games, I also presumed I was inferior at them had I tried, and if found, would only be shamed or get embarrassed.
Among the earliest games I watched from the sidelines involved some marbles, coins or softdrink caps, and rubber bands as playthings. I remember how these games were played on the bare ground, often on sandy soil, with at least two players, often more. These games had someone, the “it,” striking these things on the ground and scoring out of a hit. The truth is I never learned what exactly the rules were because I never tried these games. Each game struck me as dirty, and besides, I never felt I belonged, and since I assumed I'd no sooner be exposed for being unfit than if I tried, I felt threatened. This pattern was repeated in almost every other game of my childhood that was exclusive to boys.
I can't remember the first taunt uttered against my person, but I must have been shamed too much, for I’d wince each time such a similar shaming incident happened. I can easily recall, for example, that female neighbor named G- who called out to me from her room window, “Bakla, bakla!” (Gay/Faggot!) for no other reason than making the mistake of showing myself to her line of sight. I am especially not fond of G- because of this backstory that someone from my family called her a klutz or a clumsy person and she allegedly cursed in response this way: “Sana yung magiging anak nyo ganun din!” (“May your future child be a clumsy bastard too!”) and the curse seems to have fallen on me. This little story was relayed to me as a joke in which everybody who heard it tittered, and now that I recall it, there's nothing funny about it at all, for it turns out my being a klutz and being taunted for it plus the silent torment I have painstakingly endured throughout the decades were a kind of a curse. I felt I was, and sometimes still feel am, accursed! I’ve always wondered then how I could counter this evil spell in my life, if it was indeed an evil spell or hex.
I also remember another female guest (most probably a boarder) who would embarrass me to my face at about four years old whenever it was just the two of us in the living room. One time I was playing alone with my toys by a passageway, and I remember how she shamed me by telling me in a very bossy way that I was blocking her way. It made me feel like I was a worthless mass blocking her existence. It made me feel ashamed of strangers or at least people who were not members of my family, so that during parties at home when people I didn’t know were invited, I tended to face the wall and scratch it self-consciously, rather than mix with strangers and risk their ire or disapproval.
Safe games for softies
Of course the taunt from my fellow boys early on hurt even more. My own brother, the one who came after me, used to tease me by calling me “bakla” whenever he didn't get something he wanted from me or whenever I pissed him off. I also caught my cousin D- making fun of me that way. One time, in a Practical Arts class in which he was my classmate, he suggested I was effeminate within everyone’s earshot by gesticulating with his hands a sissy boy’s overly soft or limp-wristed mannerism.
Nevertheless, I do not consider myself a desperate case, for I remembered at least having played wooden and plastic toy guns, toy trucks and toy soldiers too, and enjoyed them. But I drew the line at slingshots, which scared me, and that made a difference. I thought they were too dangerous for me, and I didn't have the heart to kill beautiful wild birds with it or accidentally blind someone or break the glass window pane. I felt I was too nervous to be mercilessly tough like the other boys.
I also played with spiders, which the other boys kept in matchboxes, for spider fights, which were often exciting, but I was more interested in collecting the spiders for private pleasure, observing their behavior like a museum curator or zookeeper would.
There also were those interludes of mercy, however, in which games were not restricted to boys. There were the “agawan base,” “siato,” “Pepsi 7-Up,” and other ‘coed’ games. Yet even in these games, I could hear the meaner of the girls bitch aloud about me being a "di tiyak" (meaning “of uncertain gender,” like certain Tagalog pronouns we learned in school) or "alanganin" (“unsure”) by gender. When I got friendly with some of the girls, however, like a few of my female cousins, I felt at home with such girls' games as jackstone, Chinese garter (although I stopped at level 2, not being able to jump higher than that), hula hoop, limbo dance, etc. I think I even tried hopscotch out of curiosity, though to be fair, I found it boring, like riding a carousel.
Later, I took to games that were so safe and thus thoroughly enjoyable to me. It was my female cousin D- who introduced me to pickup sticks, Snakes and Ladders, and Scrabble, which I enjoyed better than most kids because I was quite good at words. Most board and card games, I found, were gender-neutral games that spared me the usual scene in which I would be ridiculed or embarrassed for being so inept; they were instead an opportunity for me to show off, to make up for my many insecurities. These games include backgammon, Monopoly, Millionaires' Game, Trivial Pursuit, etc. (I noticed, however, that Games of the General, which I played with B-, was a board game that girls never played with us.) The Trivial Pursuit-type of games was especially my favorite because I could compensate more fully by showing off what's inside my brain despite lacking in brawn and maleness.
I tried my hand on playing cards too, but because I was bad at math, I stayed away from them, or I’d show another source of insecurity on top of the existing ones.
Exclusive boys’ games
When I approached my teens, the games became more and more exclusive to boys. When the yoyo craze popularized by Coke hit town, I joined the fad with delight, but I felt too inept to do any of the tricks a lot of boys could easily do. I felt somewhat inadequate and inferior, even for such a kid’s stuff. It further reinforced my feeling so small.
Well, there were the trump cards too, which was quite a different matter. When trump cards were all the rage among the boys, I easily fit in and enjoyed the game because, although it involved the very manly subject of cars and locomotives, it also required dealing with nerdy details (horsepower, speed in kph, distance traveled, etc.) in which the nerdy me felt quite at home, never mind my allergy for numbers.
The rest, however, were little utter tragedies, especially the native game of sipa and ball games. Not only did I NOT enjoy sipa (which involved hitting a shuttlecock-looking spur with one’s foot) because I found it boring, I also found it too hard for my uncoordinated body. I didn't know how to score just one point even if I tried. Worse, I felt too ashamed, or too proud, to admit I didn't know, so I was sure to stay away each time the boys grouped themselves for these games.
The greatest horror of all among the ball games was basketball. (Volleyball was a cinch, but it was also the favorite of girls and gays – too embarrassing to try and enjoy visibly.) I dreaded each time a classmate would suggest that we played basketball in an oven-hot court somewhere. I'd invent all sorts of alibis just so I wouldn't ever face the danger of possible ridicule or the exposition of the dark secret that this boy, believe it or not, didn't know how to play ball when it was practically a national sport. (The pervasive assumption was, no hot-blooded Filipino boy doesn’t know how to play basketball.) Such a discovery would be nothing short of making me feel like a handicapped or what oldies would hurtfully call inutil (Spanish for "useless"). Predictably, I resisted the slightest opportunity to learn because I was too proud and afraid to admit I didn’t know and didn’t like it in the first place. School intramurals or sport-fests were, therefore, always dreadful events for me, giving me a phobia for unduly exposure of secret weakness (which, laughably enough, everybody knew anyway).
I enjoyed playing solo games more, maybe because being a loner was free from the risk of possible taunts from peers. Aside from collecting various spiders, I especially enjoyed mixing the various chemicals and medicines I could find around the house. Being at play in my own private laboratory was terrifying, for I could surely hear a thing or two from my mother, or worse. I simply loved experimenting, but even this innocent fondness, I would soon found, would be put down as a nerdy preference. It merely underscored the feeling I was abnormal.
In high contrast, I fondly recall the imported expensive toys that Uncle Z-, my aunt's seaman husband, sent us his nephews back then. One day, when I was about 7 years old, he gave me and my younger brother several toys we never realized were high-end until we lost all of them to wear and tear and maybe even theft. We got a battery-operated motorized toy boat and one toy filled with water and colorful objects that swirled and made funny moves when you pressed a button, etc. The most memorable is the horse-racing track that winded and dipped this way and that, with metallic horses and jockeys bobbing up and down along a hard plastic ‘paved’ road lined with plastic pine trees. While playing solo was satisfying, it did nothing to nurture my need for social interaction and peer approval.
Only the town fairs or amusement parks have no such unpleasant memories associated, or haven’t they? Like any other child, I loved each single moment spent riding the Ferris wheel, caterpillar, and horror train, as well as throwing darts and hoops, watching magicians make magic tricks, being horrified at the most pitiful human oddities, and being beguiled by flying trapeze artists, acrobats, and smart trained animals, while I munched on popcorn, tugged a bite at tough elephant ear cookies, or pawed my pink cotton candy. I also loved zoos for the same largely solitary happiness I felt. But the clincher is I was always accompanied by my grandmother or aunt during these fun jaunts – surrogate mothers who were strong-willed women. (For some reason, my own mother, far too gentle by comparison, was also unavailable, always busy with homemaking.)
It was quite different when it came to the town plaza, where there was a wide children's park which had those concrete and iron slides I was too afraid to try because I found them too high and I had acrophobia (fear of heights). My fear increased exponentially whenever there was a kid my age who I thought was watching. Woe to me especially if it was another boy who happened to be a bully in school and a town gossip.
Other male pursuits that were normally considered fun in the oncoming years likewise didn't agree with me: body building/workout, exercise, marathon runs, hiking, driving a car, camping... I saw exercise as a fruitless thing that I'd rather wash the dishes or sweep, wax, and scrub the floor. Riding a bike and swimming were especially painful because I had -- still have -- a perforated eardrum so I lacked the sense of balance required. Because of this nuisance handicap, I never learned how to swim right, too, and especially to roller-skate, unlike my cousin D- who looked effortless at it. I looked on with secret envy at anyone else who could, secretly wishing I could do those too just to prove I was normal and thus likeable.
Probably I never dared try because the curse was deeply embedded, or so I thought. One would think I could easily eat pain for breakfast, but the truth is I never lost the fear of being so maligned despite my long personal history of being insulted, taunted, and put down. The fear never waned, and so I have always been a ball of nerve. It’s quite easy for me to recall the rest one by one: In one required boy scouting incident, a fellow scout I didn't know called me “bakla” for no reason. In grade school, another boy told me the same in a random fashion as he approached me while walking down the street towards my direction. In my grandmother's barrio, some children derided me openly with the hated B word. A distant aunt, T-, once laughingly called me "Girlie" when I made the mistake of riding a motorcycle the way a girl would have mounted one: seated sideways with my legs daintily pushed together, like a dainty princess would, instead of sitting my with face to the front and with my legs in a macho wide-V position just like the driver starting the motor did. At my boyhood friend D-'s house, two brothers openly laughed at me and another effeminate friend, G-, we were with at the time, just because we impressed the boys as being too soft. (The two nasty jerks happened to be good-looking, so the reaction doubly felt rejecting of G- and me.)
During Christmas, the youth group in our neighborhood often organized house-to-house caroling, which I treated as another game. I can't forget how my next-door neighbor, M- (a girl), referred to me then as a "di tiyak" (or “alanganin,” unsure) very audibly behind my back, perhaps due to the way I sang or acted. It was quite a torture to sing one happy Christmas tune after another with much ironic bitterness toward someone.
At home, I was called other nasty things: “negro” (“nigger,” for I was dark-skinned), “alagain” (“the weak one”), “iyakin” (“crybaby”), “pasosyal” (“trying-hard social climber,” because I pined for housework and had a strange taste for fine things), etc. By this time, my world was closing in on itself, with me hiding deep in my own shell like a nautilus, living in a world of fantasy where everything was as I dreamed and desired and pined for, completely divorced from ugly reality. I began to hallucinate that I was a pretty boy, a spoiled-brat mestizo, who's so confident about himself, who could do whatever he wanted, say whatever he wanted and yet was still loved for it, with wealthy, well-educated and well-bred mom and dad, and an older brother who was fiercely a loyal mentor to me. Unsurprisingly, it was during these times that I secretly discovered playing with myself, a game I found to be literally exhilarating, much unlike all the games I knew. I was 11 years old by this time.
Being on the wrong team
High school naturally wouldn't be an exception. I gravitated towards those considered as weaklings, the non-jocks, the social rejects: J- the stringbean-thin guy (my childhood best friend who was a neighbor), B- the younger (by a year or months) unassertive one, R- the fat one who was always called Baboy or Mr. Piggie, J- the smartest among us but also the smallest in height, D- the hick from a far-flung barrio. It seemed a shame just to be associated with them, but what could this boy do? It scared, even terrified, me to be intimates with the others, especially those popular with the girls and the teachers, as I felt too intimidated and probably afraid of their impending rejection, even though I must have secretly craved their approval, affirmation, and acceptance.
There were rare instances when somebody was too honest or frank as to blurt out what the rest most probably thought of me. There was our one-time class president J-, who said audibly and in a disappointed tone, "Ay, bakla!" when she heard me chortle to a joke with probably a girlish "Ahihihi" instead of a baritone “Ho-ho-ho-har-har-har.” J2- never stopped teasing me about my not having a girlfriend yet “after all these years”; I wished she could have more diplomatically asked, “Are you gay or what?” and I would probably have answered honestly. I also once heard J-'s mother telling my mother, "Having J- as a son feels like having 10 children. Lucky you, your son seems a homo." I can still remember how my mother and another mother conversing with her at the time suddenly turned mum, totally shocked at the remark. Another classmate, N-, once made a pun on my name that inserted the most hated B word in it, and I remember not being amused at how very much audible it was and how it trivialized my secret hurt too much.
These people helped me form my self-identity in a wrong way, but even with such an acquisition of a false self through an increment of years, I couldn't fully accept it. I longed to be one of the boys no matter how much I didn't fit in. I knew I vehemently didn’t like what I had become. I, therefore, treasured whatever friendship from ‘straights’ I managed to squeeze in between without an effort, especially the friendships offered by P- (he copied from my assignment papers, that’s why), E- (he was also very needy that he was friendly to all), and M- (he was said to be a drug addict everybody avoided, and he was courting me to be his private algebra and trigonometry tutor). I especially relished the friendship of G-, whom I secretly admired and considered my fiercest rival intellectually, but I strongly suspected to admire me as well, judging by the special way he treated me, a fellow fierce rival-friend.
The homosexual pain seemed constant and never-ending throughout my life. I also once caught an uncle who lived down our street who, upon visiting our house one night, blurted out that he thought I was gay – in the very presence of my father, who surprisingly didn’t run amok. Without this uncle knowing, I overheard his remark, and I cringed at how hurtful it was because it was said behind my back and therefore rang even more hurtfully true than the rest.
In college, at a disco-for-a-cause held in a plush hotel, a male stranger in fashionable hair and getup walked up to me and whispered the magic B curse to my ears, as though I still needed to be informed about it after all those years. In the university campus, I overheard a bitchy girl dismiss me as "bading" (gayspeak for “bakla”) even without me doing anything so much as to wait in a long queue for a theater play to start. I felt like my mere presence was an affront to her and other people, and I hated that lady with my guts, particularly since she looked hideous to me herself that I bet no one would ever dare ask her out on a date.
I can go on and on with the places and personalities that remind me of hurt in the past. My officemates A-, J- and M- once confronted me by popping the question in my face, but I denied the truth, which makes me feel guilty and sad up to this day, sometimes. How dare they, when they were three compared to one? I thought. I would have admitted my open secret had the question been popped up in confidence and with unmistakable charity. When we held games like Truth or Consequence, I naturally chose Consequence without fail because I’d rather not be aggravated by the truth. I also remember my officemate M- who, one drunken night, accused me of being gay after I refused to join him going to a prostitution den in his expressed desire to become my ninong or godfather to my devirginization (ostensibly with the paid services a willing woman). (Technically, I was no longer a virgin as a friendly neighboring gay guy molested me at around age 5, awaking my sexuality so very early on.) There was also F- who made fun of me in front of so many other officemates when he jokingly threatened to box me with his fists and I jokingly tried to box him too but was only met with an awkward try, a shocking revelation of my inability to box like a real guy, which of course he noticed with a public reportage, as though with a megaphone.
These days, I have old men for neighbors, policemen types, alpha males whom I didn’t have natural affinity to. My brother, who drinks beer with them sometimes, confided to me in a roundabout way how the men once questioned him for my curious sexuality. These men are my father's age, and it surprised me why they even cared. I ignore them most of the time for they are not my type, so perhaps that’s the reason -- they are resentful of me for appearing to be such a snob and thus are driven to be suspicious of who I am. I can't blame them, though. In case I do drink beer, I only drink with D-, my naughty college student-friend and his equally naughty friend M-. I enjoy their company more for obvious reasons. With them, it's like repairing for lost time, recovering a lost boyhood, and undoing the bad memories of the past.
I figure that the only way to let go of this endless nightmare is forgiveness, a once-and-for-all forgiveness and an ever-continuing one. I owe it to myself to give myself such a favor. Forgiveness especially for my father whom I have long blamed for not giving me the love I needed so as to feel secure as a human being and as a boy and a man. I need to forgive him for memories of hitting my butt as a baby when I did something wrong, for embarrassing me in front of people with angry humiliating remarks, for forcing me to swim in the beach by pushing my head underwater (in a tight embrace, though) until I gasped for breath and, when I panicked, for calling me “peyote” (pejorative term for “cowardly sissy”), and for failing to shower me with manly affection in my formative days up to my pubescent period, the time I needed fatherly direction and inspiration the most.
All of them, my tormentors, without exception, were just being good people, in a way. They were all just being honest, maybe too rudely frank, but honest just the same, although they were right only up to a certain extent: that's merely how they interpreted me. Maybe it just means people are simply xenophobic, naturally afraid of what is strange, abnormal, irregular.
I also need to especially forgive myself and continue forgiving me, for feeling different, for feeling left out in the little boys' world and the many manly ways I didn't acquire. I deserve the right to commit such blunders for I am but an imperfect, fallible human being -- just like the rest. I forgive myself for constantly envying countless boys and men for the most trivial of traits that attracted me as being boyish and manly, then sexualizing and eroticizing my envies, and thus sapping my precious energy.
I have to admit and accept the fact that I was being too proud, too. I couldn't countenance the truth that society had a problem with not so much me as my effeminacy. I was wrong that couldn't accept myself; I wrongly hated myself so much because they all seemed to hate me as much.
Wrong sense of validation
I had a serious fault here, most assuredly. I was mistaken in that I based my sense of validation on mere human beings. I was so insecure that I cared too much about what others said about how or what I should be. Ironically, I am myself guilty of exacting the same standards, looking down on people not to my liking. I was also as bitchy and as critical as the worst of the lot. And I am most critical and unforgiving of myself.
Do what they say and think matter to me now? Well, I'm still wary of them reappearing in the strangers I meet today and the persons I have yet to meet tomorrow, still scared of what they might think of me, of how lowly they might regard me. I am afraid they'd reject me and see me as nothing.
I know that's such a loser thing to do. It never occurred to me before that what they think doesn't matter, because, at my core, I am not what other people think I am; I am what I wish to be: to be who I am as God intended, a man! It never occurred to me that I should not fear -- why be afraid when people will always judge me anyway, thinking of me as that anyway, no matter what I do? Worst of all, it never dawned on me that they all do think that way anyway, but so what? I don't need their validation, much as I craved for it. It never occurred to me that only God's validation matters. As Mother Teresa famously said, "It's never between you and them. It's always between you and God." My challenge now is what Mother Teresa added at the end of that quote: “Love them anyway.”
Search for meaning
What does all my suffering mean? Was it really a curse? Was it all a punishment to make me humble because I was so proud? I don’t know. Maybe.
I am not Jesus, the Messiah, the savior of the world, but if my painful wound, my heavy cross, can ever be used as a merit to win the good of others in this ongoing battle in the universe between good and evil, I have no serious objections.
I just want to be happy and contented and at peace in the here and now and be saved in the hereafter. I realize these are what God desires of me, too, because he is good and just and, most of all, loving, unlike all the cruel men and women I’ve encountered in life. God is a sweet lover, I have found, and I just have to trust in his unconditional love no matter what. Perhaps I just have to put all my hopes in that one thought and I will be fine. Let all the remaining arrows come and I shall not be moved and as distraught as before.
Tired of living a lie without letup, I figure it's good to try living a life without resentments and regrets. Instead of constantly regretting the past that is gone in the hope of repairing a future that’s far beyond my grasp, what I can do concretely right now is work on all the things I had missed out, day by day, little by little, as God would allow. I will do those NOT because I need to repair the past so I can have bliss for a future, but because living a half-full life is now past, because I want to live out my true self this time -- to the full.
What is my true self? I hereby declare my true self to be that blank canvas I was born with as a child: open to anything, trusting, anticipating the love and acceptance of the universe.
With this new identity, my core identity all along, I can see plainly that I am not what they had told me I was. There's probably no harm now in trying my hand again at all the good childhood stuff I had missed, and who cares if I blow it and bungle again? I wouldn't be less of a person because I know that I am loved by God anyway.
I could also use some humor to laugh at my own faults. I can't be too serious about this, for life can be such an enjoyable game to be played, with the winners and losers shouting hurrahs for the win and conceding defeat for the loss, but after the game, there's nothing much about winning and losing, for it's just a game, after all. It’s the playing that counts; what's important is I played the game instead of being just a mere spectator in life, confined to the sidelines.
Maybe this prayer of perfect contrition I have received as a text message called The Miracle Prayer is most apt as an ending for long-time same-sex attraction sufferers like me, a kind of an antidote to the 'curse':
“Lord Jesus, I come before you, just as I am. I am sorry for my sins. Please forgive me. In your name, I forgive all others for what they have done against me. I give you my entire self. I invite you into my life. Jesus, I accept you as my Lord and Savior. Heal me. Change me. Strengthen me. (Close your eyes and allow God to speak to you. Listen and you will be surprised of the miracles in your heart.)
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Vatican City, Nov 17, 2011 / 12:06 pm (CNA/EWTN News).- The Vatican will take legal action against Italian clothing company Benetton to prevent the circulation of an ad featuring Pope Benedict XVI kissing a Muslim imam. [Read More]
2. Filipino Bishops Join Asian Social Media Networking Meet
FILIPINO Catholic bishops are taking part in a meeting in Taiwan this week on how to harness social communication for their pastoral ministry. [Read More]
3. Transgender = Protected Class
Though Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick (D) is expected to sign into law a bill that grants special rights to transgendered people, one pro-family group is pleased that public restrooms won't be required to accommodate their gender confusion. [Read More]
4. How Many Boy Victims of Penn State Homosexual Predator Jerry Sandusky Will End Up Thinking They are ‘Gay’? [Read More]
5. Scientist: Human Life Begins at Conception, Fertilization
When one considers the ethics of manipulation, the question of whether we ought to, or whether we may manipulate an organism or entity depends on the answer to the first and most fundamental question: What is it? [Read More]
6. The Pornographic Pandemic - We Are Awash in Porn
November 18, 2011 (LifeSiteNews.com) - In a conversation with a priest in my diocese, I shared my spiritual director’s report that every other confession he hears from men involves the sin of pornography. The pastor’s response was shocking: “Oh, it’s much worse than that!” Since then, this sad reality has been confirmed by many others: The sin of pornography is overwhelming Catholic men. [Read More]
7. Parents Beware: ‘Twilight: Breaking Dawn’ Features Disturbing Treatment of Abortion
November 16, 2011 (LifeSiteNews.com) - Parents with children who are thinking of watching the latest Twilight film, Breaking Dawn – Part I, should be aware that it features disturbing discussions about abortion that carry ambiguous, if not openly anti-life messages, according to a professor at a Canadian college. [Read More]
8. Judge: Prop. 8 Supporters Can Defend Law in Court
Ruling reached Nov. 17: 'Neither the governor, the attorney general, nor any other executive or legislative official has the authority to veto or invalidate an initiative measure that has been approved by the voters.' [Read More]
9. The State of Catholic Youth Today
The young Church is hungry for the truth. After World Youth Day, they head to National Catholic Youth Conference in Indianapolis. [Read More]
10. A Second Chance for Marriage
Tips on How to Reduce Divorce
ROME, NOV. 18, 2011 (Zenit.org).- The destructive consequences of marriage breakdowns are well-known. A recent report published by the Institute for American Values provided some suggestions on how to reduce this heavy toll. [Read More]
Thursday, November 17, 2011
It would be fearful to think that someone might have suffered the loss of his soul because of our negligence. In the allegory of the last judgment this aspect of human behavior – negligence – is given extraordinary emphasis. Since it may afflict not only priests and all those in authority but also all Christians, we should all consider seriously the possibility of our being at fault in this matter. Through Baptism we have been incorporated into the Mystical Body of Christ. Thus, anything that we do or fail to do for anyone, we do or fail to do for Christ. The Communion of Saints unites us to one another in such a way that we become dependent on one another, to the extent that all the good and evil deeds we perform have repercussions far beyond our own little personal sphere. They affect as well the entire Body with its Head. And evil is always an omission, because it is the absence of good where it ought to be present. All evil actions, all sins, are founded on an omission and established upon it. When someone is deprived of nourishment, he begins to weaken so as to become useless for any type of work. He becomes incapable of sustaining himself. And the deprivation may even cause his death. Similarly, the root of all sin is the omission of prayer and sacrifice, of the study of revealed truth, of the reception of the sacraments, and of the elementary precautions against any danger. These omissions may transform a Christian into a misfit for salvation.
Salvation, eternal blessedness, is not due to man by the mere fact of his having been born. It is not due to a Christian simply because he has been baptized. With immeasurable pride, modern man (or, at least, some of our contemporaries) is spearheading an extensive movement towards secularization. They are attempting to organize the world to the exclusion of God the Creator, pretending that God does not exist or that he has had to submit himself – or conform himself – to modern man’s decisions concerning this world and the life to come. Such a monstrous pride seems to convince modern man that he has no need of God and that he does not need to be redeemed. The same pride seems to have convinced him also that his salvation (if he has not yet succeeded in eliminating this concept from his mind) is the product of his own hands and that it will be attained by virtue of rules and conditions that he himself will establish.
Naturally, such an idea is as grossly erroneous as it is monstrously false. And besides, it is ridiculous. It is Christ who has established the conditions for our salvation. He has made it known to us that the kingdom of heaven must be taken by storm. Violence is needed if we are to remove the obstacles that prevent us from attaining salvation. And it is pitiful to the extent of being pathetic to see how hard men try to deceive themselves into thinking that they will get to heaven by taking a road that leads to a different place together.
We should never have succumbed to the voices of those who hypocritically clamored for the adaptation of the Gospel message to the modern world “in order to save the Gospel,” in order to save what could be saved without displeasing the world too much. But through a multitude of negligences and omissions we have failed to resist such voices, and our failure has been the cause of incalculable harm inflicted upon Christ in the person of so many members who have been robbed of their faith, whose hope has been crushed, and whose hearts have been drained of all capacity for love. An unbearable emptiness has crept into their life and is now devoid of all meaning. This is what we have done in Christ; his members are hungry without the Bread of Life, naked without the clothing of grace, vagrant since they no longer perceive the Church as their home where they can seek the refuge God promised them. Their minds are diseased with the infection of a myriad viruses. Their wills are ailing, attacked by a thousand spiritual bacteria. They are prisoners of their own impulses, of their instincts, passions, errors, and lies. We are easily moved to compassion for those who are physically miserable, yet it is the spiritually miserable who deserve the deeper compassion from us. Those who are affected by spiritual misery need more help than those who are simply physically unfit. Their disease is the more grave.
God is love. All his commandments can be reduced to only two: love for God and love for our neighbor. Simplifying matters even further, God’s commandments can be reduced to one great commandment: to love God above all things, since if we love God we necessarily have to love our fellowman. Nor must we love them in any manner whatsoever, but precisely in the way God loves them, and in the way God wants us to love them. Thus, our greatest omission and the worst of all possible omissions is the lack of love for God. The cursed ones in the parable were reviled because they did not love God and did not, as a consequence love their fellowman either, those who with us are all made in the image and likeness of God. Love for our fellowman is, therefore, an expression of a more profound and radical love, our love for God, precisely because all men without exception have been made in his image and likeness. And real love, with human warmth and a compassionate heart, cannot exist if our fellowmen are deprived of their personal dimension by being transformed into insignificant parts of the collectivity, or into items in a computerized file, or into mere names or even numbers in a list of individuals who are scheduled to receive some form of “care” from the State.
“When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him…” It will actually happen one day, and we shall all be there to see it. And we don’t know for certain whether he shall place us at his right hand or at his left, whether we shall hear him call us “blessed of my Father” or “you cursed.” No one can ever know this. No one can ever be sure of his own salvation.
We do not know for sure how many of us have actually managed to live up to the standards set by the “blessed” in this parable we are now considering. Very few, I think. We are surrounded by friends, colleagues, companions at work, and I am far from confident that we have always (or at least sometimes) had the necessary courage to warn them (if the situation called for it) of the peril they were allowing themselves to be exposed to while listening to erroneous teaching, reading pernicious books, watching sexually provocative shows, or nourishing dangerously harmful relationships. I wonder whether we have spoken to them, or whether we have simply and with comfortable indifference shrugged our shoulders thinking, “every man for himself.” I don’t doubt that our passive attitude, our negligence, our culpable silence, our toleration of evil without denouncing it or protesting against it has contributed (through there is no means of knowing to what extent) to the spread of evil, like a gangrene that spreads throughout the body. The more defenseless members of the Mystical Body of Christ have indubitably been harmed by our negligence. Many of them find themselves bruised and broken, reeling on the brink of disaster, and perhaps (may God forbid that this should happen to us) of a disaster that is already terminal. It is possible to reach this point of no return while we are still on earth: it can become so difficult to recover lost ground that it is almost impossible to do so.
Our timidity, our cowardice, our egoism, our lack of concern for our fellowman has led us to keep our lips shut tight when we should have spoken out, or has paralyzed our limbs when we should have moved them to action. By these omissions, we have harmed our fellowman by failing to do good or by failing to prevent an evil act being done. Here on earth no man can know in advance whether God will judge these (omissions simply as a matter of weakness, or as culpable complicity, or as actual cooperation with evil. Let us not forget there are omissions that are grievously serious.)
As you might expect, I have no idea to what extent this aspect of our moral responsibility is to the forefront in the conscience of each man. But in any case, I think it is beneficial for us never to lose sight of it. It is vitally important because in the final analysis the cause of anyone’s eternal damnation is simply an omission: the failure to love God. And one of its manifestations is indifference towards our neighbor.
In summary: it is God’s desire that we freely choose our eternal destiny. That final decision is completely in our hands. Each man will receive that which he has freely chosen, quite inevitably and naturally, so long as he truly loves what he has chosen and manifests his love with deeds, for deeds are love. God has prepared the kingdom for us. But do we want it? I fervently hope we are humble enough to ask God for the grace that will move us to say “yes” and to accept all the consequences of such a commitment!