Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Letter from a Perplexed Wife

(Note: The letter sender got to know Courage through my personal blog. She writes to ask for help about her husband whose SSA struggle she only came to know about months ago after seven years of marriage. Here is her letter.)


I believe that God has the perfect timing for all these things. :-) Actually, I did not expect to get a reply from you anymore. But then you did, and so I thank you and God for this opportunity.

My husband and I have been married for nearly seven years now and we have two kids: a pre-school aged son and a baby daughter. A couple of months ago, in a somewhat pleasant (i mean, no shouting, no crying) confrontation with my husband (regarding his being very secretive from me), he admitted to being a bisexual. He admitted to having fantasies about a male classmate when he was in high school. He admitted having oral sex with a bisexual man nearly a year ago. At first I did not cry or became angry... in fact, I became curious that our conversation turned into a sorta like a showbiz talk-show (parang The Buzz). But then, as days passed, layer by layer, I felt the anger, frustration, depression, etc. come out.

I have sought counsel from two priests and will be seeing a marriage counselor this week. It's just black and white for me, that's for certain; I cannot have a compromised decision... and that decision is going to be big. I cannot ignore the "bisexual issue", as my husband would want me to do now. In the past, I have tolerated homosexuality. For me, it was like, homosexuality is okay as long as it does not enter my house. As a Catholic, I have to have a stand in our situation because whatever decision I will make (to stay married or to annul our marriage, which I can) will impact our family, especially our children and their morality.

For now, his bisexuality is not a marital issue for him. He says it's just like a man being potentially a womanizer, it just so happened that he can be attracted to persons of the same sex (I find this claim very twisted). Yes for now he comes home to our house and faithful to me in terms of physical sexual relations; but then, he is still friends with his bisexual best friend whom he lived with in the same room in a boarding house just a few months back. They slept in one bed in that room. My husband cannot give up the friendship with him, even if they know that their friendship hurts me. In fact, my husband has not (and he has said he will not) apologize to me because of their living together. For him, their friendship is not wrong and without malice despite the fact that that friend has confessed to having romantic feelings for my husband, although my husband denies any romantic feeling for him. Indeed, the whole situation doesn't add up, no matter what explanation my husband gives me. And lately, he doesn't want to explain anymore. He just wants us to ignore that past and move on like it never happened.

But then for me, that may not work in the long run. I asked him before if, if ever there was a way, would he want to be straight. At first he said, it's impossible already. But I prodded on, and he said, yes, he'd want to be straight and he's been praying to God so that he'll be straight, but he knows it's impossible. If there were a way for him to be straight, I'd like to know about that; if none, what options do we have. But then, in the end, I know that it will still be all up to my husband, if he wants to change or not.

I was searching the internet for a support group for women whose husbands are like my husband, but there were none in the Philippines, until I chanced upon this blog. I would definitely like to know more about Courage. I want to know also if asking God to make my husband straight is the answer.

Please do include us in your prayers. Thank you very much and God bless!"

Sender's name withheld upon request

P.S. I assured her that Courage will help her in her struggle. Let us all pray for her and her family.


  1. sorry to hear about it. I guess you cant change a person being bisexual, its what he is, i believe that a person is the one making his own destiny, if he remains faithful to you by not having an affair with a woman or with the same sex even if he is bisexual, i guess you have to accept and respect him, i'm sure if he is sincere its not easy for him too, he needs you with him so he can be strong and fight whatever temptations that he is facing, i know you feel betrayed, but the more you pushed him to be straight, the more he will pursue, i'm not saying you will consent him being bisexual and have an affair with same sex though but you need to accept him who he is and help and support him to avoid temptatins and be strong and be faithful for you and your family. I guess its ok he can say he has a crush with same sex as long as he remains a faithful husband and a father. Make him feel your love, i'm sure he wont change you for anyone, not even his bestfriend, and i'm pretty sure he will return that love to you because he will appreciates you for being understanding of him. I hope it helps a bit, or if not, then i apologize, i know you may think its easy for me to say like that as it didnt happen to me, but bisexual or not, if our partner is having an affair, it's truly unfair and very painful. God bless you

  2. usap na lang kayo. alam ko mahirap ang pinagdadaanan mo tungkol sa asawa mo. pero, sana i-consider mo din na hindi naman ang SSA ang kabuuan ng kanyang pagkatao. Naniniwala ako na kaya rin nya maging mabuting asawa sa yo, at mabuting ama sa inyong mga anak. bilang isang asawa, kailangang kailangan ka nya. maaaring hindi mo na sya mabago o gawing straight, pero malaki ang chance na matulungan mo sya na ma-manage ang kanyang SSA. Wag mo isipin na ginagamit ka nya, sa tingin ko mahal ka nun. kasi kung hindi baka naghiwalay na kayo.