What Do We Mean When We Talk About Change?

This timely article by Jeff Johnston is a reply to the recent report released by the American Psychological Association (Please see the News & Commentaries section for the complete report). What they basically say is that any effort on changing one's sexual orientation is unscientific and can be detrimental to one's psyche and mental health. NARTH opposes this view by presenting hard facts (and not mere propagandas) that change is indeed possible.

I want to raise two critical points on this issue.

To say that one is "born gay" and "born that way" is to condemn that person to the only possible option he or she has if he or she were to be happy and that is the gay lifestyle. We know for a fact that there is no clear scientific proof to prove the existence of gay genes and that most of what we hear about this issue are but overblown statements. If indeed you are "born that way", then you don't need to change anything and you can live your "gay life" to the fullest. What do you then make of the stories of people who once lived the "gay life" but decided at one point in their life to go "the other way"? Are they crazy, pathetic liars? When you tell gay people they cannot change, they get the message that they don't need to take responsibility for who they are and for what they do. In other words, you leave them hopeless.

My second point is that everyone has the basic right to decide for themselves the kind of life they want. In the case of ex-gays, they have experienced living the "gay life" and have come to realize that no true happiness and peace can be found there, and therefore the only option left for them is to "straighten" things up. I hope that those who advocate "tolerance" be tolerable of this fact.

The article below describes the many ways on how people can begin the process of change. Going beyond change in sexual orientation, Jeff Johnston tells us that any step we make in the direction opposite of homosexuality is a "change" towards the right direction - a change you can truly believe in. (right, President Obama?)


Freedom from Male Homosexuality

Over 30 years ago, Exodus International was formed as a coalition of Christian ministries proclaiming freedom for men and women struggling with homosexuality. Slowly Exodus grew and was joined by other groups that were formed to help people steward their sexuality and behavior according to God’s created intent, including Homosexuals Anonymous, Courage (Roman Catholic), NARTH (National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality), JONAH (Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality), Evergreen (Mormon) and others. As individuals in these groups shared their personal stories of change, churches, denominations and other ministries – such as Focus on the Family – came alongside, and the news of "change" for those with same-sex attractions was broadcast more widely.

Both inside and outside these organizations, there was – and continues to be – much discussion about what "change" means. Does it mean that someone who has experienced same-sex attractions never has these feelings or temptations again? Does change just mean that a person only changes his or her behavior? Does change mean that a person shifts from same-sex attractions to opposite-sex attractions? Or are those who claim to have changed simply suppressing these feelings and living in self-denial? And how does one measure change?

This article attempts to articulate some answers to these important questions – both for those who struggle with same-sex attractions and for those who want to know more about the very real changes that God can bring into a person’s life. It will focus on the issue of male homosexuality – realizing that men and women are very different and that lesbianism differs from male homosexuality in significant ways, including how the change process often transpires. The insights I offer come from the combination of my own personal experience with change in the arena of same-sex attractions and over fifteen years of ministry experience helping others who seek to steward their sexuality in accordance with their ethical and moral values.

Male homosexuality is like any other sexual sin or temptation that a person may struggle with. Given that God works with us as individuals, there is no "formula" for the change process, nor is there typically instant freedom. Not surprisingly, each person’s path to liberty will be different.

Moreover, same-sex attractions do not change by direct action against them. In other words, they don’t go away just because a person "tries really hard" not to have them or "prays really hard" that they’ll go away. This is because same-sex attractions are almost invariably rooted in deeper issues – developing over time as a person grows up and including profound aspects of the person’s body, mind, spirit and heart. Thus, given that humans are complex beings – and human sexuality is especially complex – dealing with same-sex attraction is usually not a simple or easy undertaking.

The good news is that homosexual attractions and temptations do change, dissipate and even disappear for many men – as they cooperate with God in the process of becoming more like Jesus. However, there are a number of aspects to the process of change, and it will look different for everybody, with no guarantee that one’s homosexual attractions will completely transform into exclusive heterosexual attractions. This reality should not be surprising to Christians given that Scripture teaches that all believers will continue to experience struggles and temptations throughout the course of their lives – the ongoing battle between the sin nature described as the "old man" and the "new man" that we are in Christ.

Having said this, here are some areas where change has happened for many:

Change in behavior. For many men, this is of paramount concern. Some homosexual strugglers have struggled with fantasy, looking at pornography, masturbation and/or sexual activity with people of the same sex for years. Each time a person behaves in these ways, thoughts, feelings and actions are rehearsed in the body and in the brain. And these thoughts, feelings, and actions become more ingrained, more habitual. An individual might have dozens, hundreds, or even thousands of these experiences. Changing behavior is never easy – and requires time, effort, motivation, support from friends and family, and the empowerment of God’s Holy Spirit. It also takes replacing old habits with new ones. Recall that the Apostle Paul repeatedly calls us to "put off" the old and "put on" the new. While some pro-gay activists scoff at behavior change, men seeking to follow Christ know that these efforts – though difficult – can be real and significant.

Change in motivation. It takes strong motivation to change. Many men are initially motivated to seek change from homosexuality by fear, shame or guilt. Others are motivated by the desire for marriage and family, the desire to follow what the Bible says about God’s design for us, or the desire to follow the Church’s teaching. Some are motivated by dissatisfaction with their gay relationships and experiences. Others are motivated by love for truth or love for God. While conviction about sin is good, self-loathing and immobilizing shame are not. Shifting to positive, productive motivations is a big change for many men. The stronger the motivation and the deeper the commitment, the more likely that change will take place. God is powerful enough to change our sinful and self-centered desires, to give us the motivation to change, and to empower our wills to stay committed to Him. Over time, and especially as we learn to receive God’s grace, many men notice a significant change in their motivations – from initial fear and shame to a love for God and desire to follow Him.

Change in identity. Many people believe that they were "born gay" – that being gay is the essence of who they are. This is what is known as the "essentialist" view of the origins of same-sex attractions. In contrast to this worldly view on sexuality, the Bible says that we humans are made male and female in the image of God – reflecting a heterosexual intent in our design – and that homosexual temptations do not define anyone. Thus informed by Scripture, the man who wants to change will start thinking about himself differently – as part of fallen humanity, as a sinner in need of a Savior, as a redeemed child of God, as a man. He will ask God to change his self-image, from the world’s view to a biblical view. Homosexual strugglers are not a separate class or essence of humanity, and the man who seeks change will stop thinking of himself as essentially different from other men. He must embrace healthy, God-given and God-ordained sexual identity and masculinity.

Homosexuals Anonymous (HA) is a Christ-centered fourteen-step program that illustrates this shift in identity that must take place. It is different from many other "step" programs in that the struggler does not identify himself by his sin. Here’s how HA articulates change in identity in steps five and six: "We came to perceive that we had accepted a lie about ourselves, an illusion that had trapped us in a false identity. We learned to claim our true reality that as humankind, we are part of God's heterosexual creation and that God calls us to rediscover that identity in Him through Jesus Christ, as our faith perceives Him." Many men who come out of homosexuality do not think of themselves as "gay" or even "ex-gay" any more. They are sons, fathers, friends, husbands – men.

Change in attitude. Men who struggle with homosexual behavior often feel victimized and rejected. This may have been true. But the gospel calls us to forgive and to release others from our judgment. The struggler often needs to feel the pain and hurt of wounds from the past, and then learn to give that pain and wounding to Jesus, who bore our grief and wounds on the cross. We either let Christ carry our grief and wounding, or we continue to carry them ourselves. Here, God also empowers us to live with a positive attitude: not complaining, but giving thanks; not bitter, but loving; not angry, but forgiving; not grumbling, but praising. Cultivating these attitudes takes time, confession, prayer, effort, help from God, and help from others – including pastoral or professional counseling. While this healing process can be very challenging to walk through, the end result can be joy, growth, and new life.

Change in relationships with men and women. Anyone who struggles with same-sex attractions will have to examine his relationships. This kind of thoughtful moral inventory will often involve confession and the willingness to grow, mature and cultivate new actions. Here are a few of the relational sins – often connected with the homosexual struggle – where God will empower change:

o Lust – desiring to use another man for one’s own pleasure and fulfillment;

o Envy – wanting to own another’s masculinity, wanting to possess another person’s attributes;

o Contempt – looking down on "straight" men or women, despising men who are unattractive, old, or effeminate, or fearing and hating women;

o Control – wanting to control another’s behavior, affections, time, or thoughts; and,

o Lying – not telling the truth about what one thinks or feels in order to maintain a relationship, not being honest about thoughts, feelings, behaviors or attitudes.

A man wrestling with homosexuality must also begin to develop healthy, non-sexual relationships with other men in the Body of Christ – learning to be a man amongst men. Specifically, learning to navigate uncomfortable or challenging situations in relationships is significant. And developing healthy relationships and good relational skills will often help same-sex attractions dissipate or lessen their impact and control over a person. God uses relationships in the Church to bring transformation, growth and healing.

Change in relationship with God. God longs to be in a deep relationship with each of us. But many of us view God as distant, angry, uninvolved or uncaring. We often don’t know how to connect with Him or how to hear the leading of His voice. Part of the Christian journey involves learning how to strip away the barriers to connecting with God. False beliefs about God must be identified and confessed, and we must be open to experiencing His love and grace. Men struggling with same-sex attractions often have deep hurts and wounds. Coming to God as a loving Father allows Him to begin to bring healing to those hurts and wounds – in His time and in His way.

Change in homosexual attractions. For many, same-sex attractions do change dramatically, and attractions for women develop. In his book, Desires in Conflict, Joe Dallas describes the reasonable expectations that many have experienced:

o change in behavior;

o change in frequency of homosexual attractions;

o change in intensity of homosexual attractions; and,

o change in perspective – homosexuality is no longer a life-consuming or dominating issue.

He goes on to write that many men also move into healthy other-sex relating. Although not everyone experiences this type of change, it doesn’t mean that it can not happen or hasn’t happened for many. There are myriad testimonies of men who have moved out of homosexual behavior and into healthy God-honoring heterosexual relationships.

Many men – myself included – have struggled with same-sex attractions and, through relationship with Jesus Christ, have found release and freedom from these attractions. Paul writes to the Corinthians to remind them that some of them used to be caught in homosexual behavior, but that they have been washed – cleansed and forgiven of past sins; sanctified – cooperating with God in the transformation process; and justified – no longer under condemnation for sin (I Cor. 6:9-11). And just as the men of Corinth found freedom from homosexuality, so, too, are many men today finding freedom and lasting change in their lives.

Living in line with God’s standards is not necessarily easy. But it is immensely fulfilling and brings great rewards. Frederica Matthewes-Green, author and commentator, reminds the church to intercede on behalf of those struggling with same-sex attractions. She writes:

"Those who struggle with such passions need our prayers. For some, persistence and prayer will lead to reorientation, while for others, there will be the difficult lifelong discipline of celibacy. As tough as this sounds, it’s not impossible, and it’s not unusual. Christianity has always required celibacy of unmarried heterosexual believers, which all of us were at some point and many of us may be again. This isn’t something we demand of homosexuals without being willing to shoulder the burden ourselves. On the path of celibacy homosexuals will find a crowd of heterosexuals going back two thousand years: never-married Christians, those widowed or divorced, those caring for seriously ill spouses. We know it’s tough, and we know where to find help: sixteen hundred years ago St. John Chrysostom wrote, "Even if lust makes imperious demands, if you occupy its territory with the fear of God, you have stayed its frenzy."


Acknowledgments:

1. See, for example, Dallas Willard, Renovation of the Heart, NavPress, 2002, and Dr. Jeffrey Satinover, Homosexuality and the Politics of Truth, Baker Books, 1996.

2. See Joe Dallas, Desires in Conflict, Harvest House, 2003.

3. http://www.ha-fs.org/The_14_Steps

4. See, for example, Leanne Payne, The Broken Image, Baker BookHouse, 1981, and Restoring the Christian Soul, Baker BookHouse, 1991.

5. Ibid, chapter 2.

6. See the Exodus web site, Real Stories – Men, http://exodus.to/content/blogcategory/20/149/ and http://www.stonewallrevisited.com/menus/pages.html for some encouraging examples.

7. "Facing the Homosexual Void," Touchstone, July/August, 1998, http://www.touchstonemag.com/archives/article.php?id=11-04-029-f


Jeff Johnston is a Gender Issues Analyst at Focus on the Family and Love Won Out conference speaker.

News & Commentaries


1. Elijah's Power Food, And Ours (Biblical Reflection for 19th Sunday in Ordinary Time B) [weblink]

2. St. Jean Vianney Shows Priests How To Reach Modern Society, Pope Teaches [weblink]

3. Church Will Have No Part In Health Care That Destroys Life, New York Archbishop Insists [weblink]

4. NY Filipina Nurse Sues Hospital For Forcing To Assist In Abortion [weblink]

5. US Census Bureau To Count Homosexual 'Marriages' - Where Are The Republican Protests? [weblink]

6. The Mother of the Homosexual Movement - Evelyn Hooker, PhD [weblink]

7. APA 'Ignoring the Science' On Homosexual Reparative Therapy [weblink]

8. Info On Homosexual Health Risks Squelched [weblink]

9. APA Officially Rejects Reorientation Treatment For Homosexuals [weblink]

10. 'Safe Sex' With Condoms Bad For Mental Health, Psych Researcher Finds [weblink]

11. A Fair Judgment: Abandoning Biblical Morality Harms Children [weblink]

12. Homosexual UK Documentarian Says Gay Lifestyle A "Sewer" Of Casual Degrading Sex, Drug Abuse, And Misery [weblink]




Quote for the week:

Do not grieve over the temptations you suffer. When the Lord intends to bestow a particular virtue on us, He often permits us first to be tempted by the opposite vice. Therefore, look upon every temptation as an invitation to grow in a particular virtue and a promise by God that you will be successful, if only you stand fast. -- St. Philip Neri

Courage Experience of a Vietnamese Brother

This is a testimonial from brother J before he returned home last March. J is a Vietnamese brother who stayed with us for a few months. In his own words, he narrates how the Courage apostolate has impacted his life and his journey towards personal growth and healing.

I approached Courage as a student going under Pastoral Formation. For the reason why I choose Courage for my pastoral internship placement, I just came up with the issue of homosexuality in my country. In the context of Viet Nam, lacking of openness, knowledge and understanding on these circumstances somehow set up a boundary and push people who has problem with SSA into hopelessness. There are different forms of being homosexual but almost these people are afraid that community, family may know their struggle and look down despicably or disgustedly and put them out of society’s margins. Therefore, they dare not to mention about who they are even asking for the sacrament of reconciliation because not all priests are ready to discuss or deal with term "Gay" or "Lesbian" without judging or condemning.

It seems no way for them to go on, no solution to address toward pure living. Even if they ask for counseling, the mentor just guides them based on scientific or biological studies, not orient to spiritual nurture. In my observation, there are some people willing to change but they have to confront many difficulties and temptations. They are not completely released from homosexual factors even if they try to control sexual desires or decide to get married. Finally, after a certain time, some go back to gay lifestyle or have suffered with their marital life.

Personally, I believe that the Church can not stay away from this area and assuredly there is any updated solution in order to match to the modern Church. Within activations and resolutions, the Church in the Philippines may be a model in Asia and motivate me as a coming missionary and pastoral worker. I would like to experience how the Church faces and handles the realities which attempt to bring hope and love in Christ. It would be a learning of being with and fostering spirituality for persons whom I will work with in the future or I may meet unexpectedly during my journey.

Almost 3 months since I came to Courage, I have discovered newness through activities, learning and together with my reflections and integrations after each weekly meeting. In this personal reflection, I would like to emphasize only 2 significant realizations: spiritual support and fraternal love.

Similar with other Catholic community, purposely Courage has a pure environment which fosters spiritual life of each member. In every meeting, group members are able to recognize that God is laying His hands and tries to reach out to us as a compassionately loving Father. We admit our sins, our weaknesses and our limitations. Even though we are struggling with same-sex attraction and tempted to commit sins every day, but we never forget being Catholic as well and God is still waiting beyond inspite of small changes or massive changes. Courage’s spiritual support leads member to a chaste life not because of response to family building, unashamed life, or transferring to heterosexuality, but aim to personal growth with awareness of God’s love and let him accompany and journey in our life. Personally, I have been empowered and strengthened emotionally and physically. I look at same-sex attraction as a cross which I am carrying for a long time, but since comparing with the passion of Jesus Christ, I felt happy because I have a friend, a companion named Jesus and the heavy burden on my shoulder have been taken out day by day. Unless I put God in the midst of my life, I don’t have full freedom

Furthermore, I have been able to encounter the brotherhood among group members. I had to face my struggle alone and fight with inner self for a long time because there is not any group to support people who has struggle with same-sex attraction in my country. So I understand how painful individual battle is. For me, facing difficulty alone may easily put a person into depression and stress so that support from people who are confronting same struggle is the means of carrying, embrace, and empowerment. I am thankful and very much appreciate fraternal treatments of living in and being with community. I am very happy when they support and encourage me as their brother in different ways. Sometimes, it would be just simply a hug, hand shaking, or even a messege but it has an effectively good impact. I don’t feel lonely anymore and perhaps God sent me to Courage not only for study, but also to get in touch and experience peaceful and joyful relationships.

Maturity and self-awareness, which keep oneself standing on their own perspective concretely, play a big role in community. I was able to see them in some brothers and sisters through their sharing, their behaviors or even in one-by-one sharing. With emotional and physical maturity, brothers and sister are going to step out of the struggle confidently. They have back to ordinary life or continued their journey without worries and leave a good example for others. In addition, being with community also can be a motivation for each member to see things clearly and analyze situation deeply and get a higher perspective for each trouble and difficulty. Personal ideas or advices are very helpful and useful for some tension case aim other member to go on the right way and benefit from his or her life

All those things mentioned above entail me to the new stage of my life. I start to live out in a new way. I have learned how to let go of my pains, my past sufferings. I am healed with the people I met, with the knowledge I have got from both the Church and realities. I am willing to changes and embrace my changes despite of struggle in me toward to the full freedom in Christ. For no matter what will happen, wherever I go, HOPE still remains in the depth of my heart and I believe in a brighter and peaceful future.


Thanks bro for this wonderful sharing. How about establishing Courage there in Vietnam? Please pray for it and keep in touch.

Confessions of a Closet Gay Doctor

For the second time around this year, one of our Courage brothers shares his SSA struggles in the August edition of Kerygma magazine! I would like to take this opportunity to honor Bro. Gerald for his exceptional courage in revealing his struggle to his mother and his firm desire to overcome his weakness. This is the true confession of Bro. Gerald as told to Ms. Judith Conception.


I lived a life full of pretensions and lies. My life was a charade. I was very good at my act that no one suspected who I really was. Nobody knew my deepest, darkest secret except those whom I had intimate relations with.


The Cover-Up

I was nine years old when I noticed that I was attracted to men, especially older and cute guys. I started to have sexual relationships with older men when I was 12. Despite my same-sex attractions and gay relationships, I denied the fact that I was gay because during those times, I was the one being pursued; I acted as the female in those relationships.

I didn’t tell my family about my same-sex attractions. I didn’t want to disappoint my parents, especially my dad. I was the one expected to carry his family name, being the only boy among eight siblings. I felt scared that I would be ostracized if my family learned about this. I also kept this hidden from my high school classmates. I feared that they would desert me and not speak to me anymore because my effeminate classmates were being bullied and abused by my male classmates. I didn’t want that to happen to me. This fear continued throughout my college life, to the point of being paranoid at times. I wasn’t effeminate in my ways and I managed to act like a straight guy on the outside. To help cover up my true sexuality, I joined the Boy Scout, played softball, basketball and volleyball just to be one of the boys.


Hitting Rock Bottom

I was in third year college when I confessed to my friend and confidant – a straight guy – that I was gay. He was the first person to know about my true identity. He did not condemn me but instead accepted me for who I was. We became the best of friends. I felt good when I was able to pour out everything to him.

In 1998, my life hit rock bottom. My life was in total disarray because by then I was deep into homosexual activities. My life had lost direction, meaning and purpose. I appeared to be jolly outside but deep within I felt lonely and empty. I felt I was a hopeless case until Divine Providence led me to Tita Dulce’s column in the Philippine Daily Inquirer. She advised a letter sender to get in touch with Courage, a Catholic support group for persons with same-sex attractions who wanted to live a chaste life in accordance with the Roman Catholic Church’s teaching on homosexuality.

I found my way to Courage, and there I felt a sense of belonging. The teachings helped me understand my homosexual dynamics, deal with my same-sex attractions and control my sexual desires. I have come to realize that a homosexual relationship is just an illusion and it’s a sin to engage in such a relationship. I began to accept that man is made only for woman and that true union is achieved through the sacrament of marriage.

As part of the healing process, I needed to confess my sins to another person (aside from a priest) whom I could trust and to whom I would be accountable. I had thoughts then of telling the truth to my mom. But I didn’t act on it because I didn’t think it was important for her to know and I didn’t want to involve her in my problem. Though my progress was slow, I was able to reveal myself later to people whom I trusted.


The Revelation Day

On September 28, 2007, I attempted to tell my mom about my secret. Months before, I prepared myself by going to confession, making consultations with a priest and with Bro. Rollie (incumbent head of Courage) about my plans, and rehearsing the lines I was going to say. I was all set when my sister dropped the bomb and confessed to my mom that she was a lesbian and had moved in with her girlfriend. I didn’t push through with my plan as I wanted to spare my mom of the additional burden and heartache. But I continued to pray to the Lord for the right time to reveal my secret.

In August 2008, I had a missed call from my mom on my cell phone. I returned her call and asked why she called.

She asked, “Is it true what I had been hearing about you? Are you gay?”

This is it, I said to myself. This may be the God-given moment I had been waiting for. “Do you really want to know the truth, Nanay?” I replied. “Then I will tell you the truth. Your suspicion is right. Everything that you heard from other people is true. I wanted to tell you this for the longest time but I was just waiting for the right timing.”

I heard her sob on the other end of the line. I didn’t hide anything from her and confessed about my sexual relationships with other guys. She advised me, “Son, be careful with the men that you have relations with. Don’t let them abuse you. Pray hard and avoid temptations. Instead of spending your money on these men, better help your elder sister in sending your nieces and nephews to school.”

After we talked, I felt light as if a huge burden was lifted from my chest and shoulders. Two months after that revelation, my mom had a massive stroke and passed away.


Looking Forward

Keeping secrets and living in pretension had been tiresome. I had no inner peace. Telling the truth liberated me. It freed me from the guilt of living a double life and from the paralyzing fear of being discovered of my weaknesses.

My battle with homosexuality is not yet finished. Every day is a continuous battle for me to choose between good and evil. I still have my struggles with my same-sex attractions. I’m still a work in progress. But whenever I fall, I rise again and learn from my mistakes.

I look forward to the day when, through God’s mercy and grace, I would be healed of all my wounds – free from my homosexual bondages – and become a complete man.


(P.S.: Grab a copy of Kerygma Magazine at your nearest local bookstore now!)

News & Commentaries


1. CBCP Mourns Death of Cory [weblink]

2. Cardinal Rosales: 'Aquino Icon of A Truthful Leader' [weblink]

3. Catholics Don't Do Crystals: How to Use 'Alternative Health Practices' Without Endangering Your Soul [weblink]

4. La Barbera Calls for Comprehensive Federal Study on the Health Risks of Homosexual Sex [weblink]

5. Pro-Homosexual Websites Slam AFTAH for Call to Investigate Health Risks of 'Gay' Sex [weblink]

6. Pro-Family Forces Submit Challenges to Maine's 'Gay Marriage' [weblink]

7. 'Stimulus' Grants Going to Porn Producers? [weblink]

8. Google Blocks Blog Exposing Homosexual Agenda [weblink]

9. Albania Considers Legalizing Same-Sex 'Marriage' [weblink]

10. Florida Quarterback Tebow Leaves Reporters Speechless: "Yes I am" Saving Myself for Marriage [weblink] You can also watch the video clip below.




Quote for the week:

"Every temptation resisted is a great act of worship of God. To put up with temptation and not seek the easy way out is a powerful acknowledgement of the sovereignty of God ... Even if one falls later on, he has accomplished an act of obedient worship that will not be erased" - Father Benedict Groeschel (The Courage to Be Chaste, p. 90).

Tie A Yellow Ribbon - A Tribute to Cory

Today, August 1, the country mourns the passing of a great Filipino leader in the person of Corazon Cojuangco Aquino. I saw the news on TV early this morning and somehow I felt a sense of loss of someone who will be greatly missed by a people who owe her so much.

I don't particularly take a personal interest in her life. Of course every Filipino knows her in this country. But there are a few things worth mentioning about this heroine of the 1986 EDSA revolution.

First off, I admire how she had kept her integrity and displayed moral leadership despite the challenges that beset her administration. Politics is a dirty word for me and I have very little respect for politicians. Cory is an exception to this. She never clinged to power beyond her term even though she could. At the end of her term she gracefully exited the political arena. She knew there were other more experienced and competent (but not necessarily upright) leaders out there. Contrast that to someone who promised she would never run in the elections but eventually did and who leaves every one guessing as to her future political plans. I call that 'kapit tuko'.

Very few people exit this world who leave a good long lasting legacy and who will be remembered as someone who lived for others and lived a full life. She restored democracy back to us - our very own freedom that shouldn't have been taken away from us in the first place. While watching the news the past few days I was impressed by the overwhelming outpouring of love and prayers for her. Even the Holy Father has sent words of comfort and prayer for her. I find that a rarity among politicians to receive such kind of attention. She probably was and is the most prayed for person in this country. What a contradiction she is when you think about our past and present leaders who have left (and will leave) us with a shameful legacy of kleptocracy, tyranny, corruption, and political scandals. I want to think how her enemies would also wish that they receive even just a fraction of the same kind of treatment as she did in their deathbeds.

So there goes my little tribute to our beloved president. I know that she will continually intercede for our country as she always did. In heaven, there will be lots of yellow ribbons tied round oak trees.

What's The Best Investment In The World?

Here's a timely article from Bo Sanchez on investments. Be inspired.

When I was a kid, I learned that my mother lived during the war. With great excitement, I asked her, “Did you meet Magellan and Lapu-lapu?”

I was disappointed when she said, “No, I’m not 450 years old.” So I asked, “Did you meet Jose Rizal and Andres Bonifacio?”

That’s when she explained to me that she didn’t live through World War I but World War II.

She’s 84 years old today and I grew up with her war stories.

I remember her stories about the Japanese Peso.

“When the Japanese came, they printed their own money,” she said. “Eventually, we all got used to them. But after many months, the Japanese Peso began to lose its value. Soon, everyone called it Mickey Mouse money. It became play money.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Because of the rumors that the Americans were coming back. You won’t believe me, but when we heard over the radio that the American planes were coming, I remember how I had to bring a bayong of Japanese money to buy a bayong of food. One duck egg cost P75…”

My friend, Nanay Coring, Founder of National Bookstore, also lived during the war. She too was a young woman when the war broke out. But unlike my mother, she had business savvy.

With her Japanese money, she bought goods that could be stored until the war ended. Early in the war, she saw what was going to happen. So she converted all her Japanese money to another currency—goods and inventory.

One day, a Japanese officer walked to her little store and asked if she wanted a warehouse filled with whisky. She said, “Yes, I’ll buy it,” not knowing where she’d get the money. She gathered as much Japanese pesos as she could find and bought the entire stock. When the US soldiers came, she sold every bottle to the Americans who paid her in US Dollars.

Mom didn’t do anything. She kept her Japanese money in her bayong. When the Americans came, the money was all burned because it had become useless.

No wonder Nanay Coring now owns 157 branches of National Bookstore all over the country while my mother runs a tiny bookshop in her house!

Why am I sharing this to you?


Question: Are You Business Wise?

When you die, all the money you hold becomes Mickey Mouse money. All. The Dollars, the Euros, the Yen, the Yuan, the Peso…

You know that.

But are you doing something about it?

You need to be business wise like Nanay Coring.

You need to start converting your material wealth into eternal wealth. How? Start giving generously to God and to the poor.

Giving to God isn’t just a spiritual thing. At the end of the day, it’s also the wisest, most practical thing to do. It makes all the business sense in the world.

I know of a lot of very rich businessmen who aren’t giving to God or to others. So their wealth will be very short lived. It will only last until their life on earth.

I strongly suggest you convert your worldly money to the only currency that Heaven will accept. Heaven has only one currency: Love. Loving God and others is really the only thing you can bring with you when you die.

Read carefully what Jesus says. You’ll be shocked:

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.[1]

Wow. Can you believe it?

It’s actually possible to exchange what you have for the currency of your future home. While on planet earth, you can actually store great treasure in Heaven.
That’s why I believe generosity is the wisest, the best, the most perfect investment in the world.

How Much Is Your Balance?

Let me ask you a very important question: How much of your worldly wealth have you used to create your heavenly wealth?

How much investments have you already “wired” to Heaven?

When you put your money in the bank, the bank gives you a bank book. There, you find a history of your deposits. If Heaven issued you a “bank book”, how much deposits have you already made so far?

In other words, how much have you loved?

How much have you served?

How much have you used your material wealth to give love?


But Let Me Clarify:
It’s Building Heaven On Planet Earth!

Warning: What I’ll say next will be hard to swallow.

So chew on it. This is definitely not milk for those starting in the spiritual journey, but solid food for the mature.

I’ve met Christians whose only goal in life is to go to Heaven. Their only concern is to guarantee a Heavenly visa. To them, this is what salvation is all about.

Nothing else.

Friend, I want you to outgrow that attitude.

Because I don’t believe this is the point of Christianity.

Think with me: Today, there are 25,000 children who die every single day because of poverty and hunger—and all we can think of is our personal Heaven? Today, there are many people around us who are starving for God’s love—and all we can think of is our personal Heaven?

Jesus didn’t call you to be His disciple just so you can go to Heaven only. Jesus called you to be His disciple so that you can bring Heaven down to earth, specifically to those who are in “hell” right now because of their material, emotional, and spiritual poverty. Jesus called you to be His disciple to love the way He did. Jesus died on the Cross so that you too can die for others.

So what am I saying?

Everytime you’re generous because of love, you transfer your wealth to a particular Heaven that starts now, right here on planet earth. And it’s not a personal Heaven, but a Heaven for others.

I’ve got one last thing to say…


Among These 5,
Who Are You?

When it comes to managing money, there are five kinds of people in this world. Who are you?

#1: Gloria Gastadora:
Gloria Gastadora lives on 100% of her income. Sometimes, when she borrows money, she lives on 120% of her income. She’s never absent during Midnight Sales. Her credit cards are faded due to overuse. Even if she wants to give to God or invest in her future, she cannot. Obviously, after all is spent, she has nothing to give to God except her loose change. In Church, Gloria Gastadora isn’t a tither, but a tipper.

#2: Kunat Kuripot:
Kunat is a frugal and fearful fellow. He lives on 80% of his income, because he saves 20% or more for his future. He lives in fear. He feels safe only when he knows he’s got lots of money in the bank. It really seems safe, except that he doesn’t know that putting his life savings in the bank isn’t such a wise idea at all. When he retires, Kunat will realize that his savings isn’t enough. And like Gloria Gastadora, Kunat Kuripot can only give his spare change to God—because he’s always afraid of his future.

#3: Bertong Bulag:
As a kid, Berto was a financial whiz. Upon graduating from college, he already opened a mutual fund. He also started investing in a blue chip company in the stock market, putting small amounts of money every month. He also started a business, and it has done very well. Berto has become wealthy. The problem is that he still cannot give to God, because he sees it as an expense, like it was a luxury he can’t afford. He doesn’t realize that giving to God is also an investment—the most secure and long-term investment of them all.

#4: Wally Waldas:
Wally has no problem giving to others. He is very generous to others, but he isn’t generous to himself. Because he doesn’t invest for the future. Wally just likes giving his money away to people who end up abusing him. His close friends tell him that his giving is no longer helping others, because they have become parasites. But he’s blinded by his need for their attention. Wally, in the long run, cannot even give to God, because his money will be long gone.

#5: Manny Mapagmahal:
Manny gives to God, gives to others, and gives to himself. After receiving his income, the first thing he does is set aside 10% to God. The second thing he does is to set aside 20% to put in investment vehicles—such as funds, stocks, businesses, and real estate. He also has set aside an Emergency Fund—3 to 6 months of his salary in the bank. The third thing he does is to limit his expenses to 70% of his income.

Today, Manny is prosperous. He now gives 20% to God, invests 30%, and lives on 50% of his income. In his old age, he’ll continue to be even more generous. (If you’re interested to become like Manny Mapagmahal, join my TrulyRich Club and get trained in the principles of spiritual and material abundance. Log on at www.TrulyRichClub.com now.)

Among these 5 people, who are you?

May your dreams come true,

Bo Sanchez

Financial Literacy 101

Last Sunday, Bro. M gave a wonderful talk on financial literacy and taught us very important lessons on managing our finances well. The talk made me realize that life is not all about SSA. There are other things as equally important that we need to attend to – and one of them is finance. Bo Sanchez has said it very nicely in one of his books: “Money is not the most important thing in the world, but it affects every other important thing.” How true this is. As long as I am in the world, I will need money at least for my basic needs like food, shelter (rent and/or utilities), clothing, and of course cell phone loads!

Why am I bringing up this topic by the way? Well, partly because I think this is a special concern for us people with SSA. Apparently, there are some gay men who lavish money on wrong priorities including but not limited to their ‘boy toys’ and paramours. Many end up broke in the end – both financially and emotionally – because as soon as they are no longer capable of providing support, they are all by themselves, feeling used and abused.

In the meantime, here are the possible worst case scenarios to think about:

Case#1: What if I live long enough, say until 80 years old and still a certified bachelor, how will I be able to support myself financially beyond the age of retirement? Social security? You’ve got to be kidding me. I don’t think the pension from my social security will be enough to cover all of my basic needs including my medicines. It’s ‘mabuti lang sa wala’ but then is that the kind of life I want to have in my old age? Good thing I’m still young now and I still have time to save up for the rainy days. Can you count on your siblings or relatives to take care of you? Forget it. You might end up as a charity case.

Case#2: What if I die too soon and I am the breadwinner in the family, who will sustain my family’s needs? Who will continue to provide for the responsibilities I leave behind? Whenever I watch the news about a tragedy, most of the time the survivors are weeping bitterly not because they miss their loved one, but because they are left with the heavy responsibility of feeding the family and raising the kids the breadwinner has left behind. Even the cost of dying and providing a decent funeral is beyond the reach of many, most especially the poor.

Case#3: What if by some misfortune I contract a debilitating disease or suffer from an accident that will require long-term health care and render me invalid for the rest of my life? What now? I have seen this type of cases in nursing homes where their family/relatives have abandoned them because the cost of providing medical care is simply too much for them to bear, and it is really tragic because now they cannot do anything but to accept their fate.

As morbid as my case scenarios are they can happen to anyone. It can happen to you. On our part, it is our responsibility to know the ways and means that are available to us to improve the current state of our financial health. The bottom line here is what kind of life do you want to lead when you retire? Basically, the lessons I learned are:

1. Save, save, save. This is a matter of discipline for many of us. You may complain that what you’re earning presently is just barely enough. Well, try to do this simple exercise. Track your expenses for a month or two and then at the end make an evaluation report. You might be surprised to find how much money goes into your “trivial spending list”, which you could have saved instead. I tried doing this for a month and guess what’s on my top list of expenses? – FAST FOOD. By the way, you can use the Expense Manager feature of your cell phone to do this. Just give it a try because this will give you a graphic representation of your monthly expenditures and where you can cut down if you want to save more. Again, it’s not really how much you earn that matters; it’s how much you save.

2. Eliminate debt. Fortunately, I don’t have credit cards because if I do I would be drowning in debt neck deep by now. It’s just too tempting to spend the money you haven't even earned yet on so many things including the useless ones. If you can do away with those credit cards I highly advise you to do so.

3. Invest. Do you know how banks profit from the money you deposit in your account? While you earn a measly interest of 1% per annum, they earn many times over by investing your money at 10% to 12% interest! In effect, they are profiting more on your own money than you do. What is worse is that the value of your money depreciates over time due to inflation if you just let it sit in the bank. Therefore, it is wise to find avenues where you can invest your money and earn at a higher interest rate.

4. Insure yourself. This is related to case#3 above. Sadly, this is not so popular among Filipinos. Life is full of uncertainties, but just in case of any eventuality would you not feel relieved that you’ve got yourself covered and your hospital bills paid?

5. Increase your income. Times are hard and the income from your regular full-time job may not be enough especially if you are raising a family. Find a part-time job. Turn your hobby into an enterprise. Upgrade your skills for better paying jobs. Sell something. Etc, etc.


Apart from all the things I have mentioned above, I believe that the most important step is to educate yourself on financial matters. There are many excellent financial books out there, but I recommend reading Robert Kiyosaki’s Rich Dad Poor Dad series and Francisco Colayco’s Wealth Within Your Reach. On the internet, you can also visit a number of blogs but I recommend Fitz Villafuerte’s blog Ready To Be Rich and Frugal Pinoy .

I hope my post today has made you realize your money’s worth. This has nothing to do with being materialistic or greedy. This is a practical lesson on financial stewardship. You are doing this because you want a better life not just for yourself and your loved ones, but also because you want to be a blessing to others as well.


"By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail." - Benjamin Franklin

News & Commentaries


1. Pope Prays for Dying Filipino Leader [weblink]

2. "It Is Never Enough, Until We Give It Away" - Biblical Reflections for 17th Sunday in Ordinary Time B [weblink]

3. Ethicist Hopes New Breakthrough Will Eliminate 'Need' to Destroy Human Embryos [weblink]

4. Media Almost Outnumber Protesters at Anti-Mormon 'Kiss-in' at San Diego Temple [weblink]

5. Role of Gay Men in Spreading Virus Is Ignored in Africa, Study Finds [weblink]

6. Commentary: Countering The Lies of Same-Sex Attractions [weblink]

7. Canada Court Rules Marriage Commissioners Must "Marry" Homosexuals [weblink]

8. Episcopal Bishop Rejects Homosexual Marriage, Ordination of Practicing Homosexuals [weblink]

9. Lawsuit Challenges Wisconsin Same-Sex 'Domestic Partner' Scheme [weblink]

10. Actress Uma Thurman to 'Become' a Nun [weblink]



Quote for the week:

"Lord, make me chaste but not yet." - St. Augustine

(Don't you love that quote? I do.)

On Toxic Shame

Let me share with you some excerpts about shame from the book Healing The Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw. It's the most comprehensive book I have found (online) so far dealing specifically on the topic of shame and I hope to find a copy of this book soon. At this point, I think it is worthwhile to examine ourselves if we are living in toxic shame. Many of us have done 'very bad things' in the past and the memories of those events still continue to bring about feelings of shame and guilt in us. This I believe can present a significant challenge for us in moving on with our life. John Bradshaw calls this demon toxic shame, the shame that binds us all.


Shame As The Core And Fuel Of All Addiction

Neurotic shame is the root and fuel of all compulsive/addictive behaviors. My general working definition of compulsive/addictive behavior is “a pathological relationship to any mood-altering experience that has life damaging consequences”.

The drivenness in any addiction is about the ruptured self, the belief that one is flawed as a person. The content of the addiction, whether it be an ingestive addiction or any activity addiction (like work, buying or gambling) is an attempt at an intimate relationship. The workaholic with his work, or the alcoholic with his booze, are having a love affair. Each one mood alters to avoid the feeling of loneliness and hurt in the underbelly of shame. Each addictive acting out creates life-damaging consequences which create more shame.

I used to drink to solve the problems caused by drinking. The more I drank to relieve my shame-based loneliness and hurt, the more I felt ashamed. Shame begets shame. The cycle begins with the false belief system that all addicts have, that no one could want them or love them as they are. In fact, addicts can’t love themselves. They are an object of scorn to themselves. This deep internalized shame gives rise to distorted thinking. The distorted thinking can be reduced to the belief that I’ll be okay if I drink, eat, have sex, get more money, work harder, etc. The shame turns once into what Kellogg has termed a “human doing”, rather than a human being.


Neurotic Syndromes of Shame

"What is the shame that binds you? How did it get set up in your life? What happens to healthy shame in the process?

Toxic shame, the shame that binds you, is experienced as the all pervasive sense that I am flawed and defective as a human being. Toxic shame is no longer an emotion that signals our limits, it is a state of being, a core identity. Toxic shame gives you a sense of worthlessness, a sense of failing and falling short as a human being. Toxic shame is a rupture of the self with the self.

It is like internal bleeding. Exposure to oneself lies at the heart of toxic shame. A shame-based person will guard against exposing his inner self to others, but more significantly, he will guard against exposing himself to himself.

Toxic shame is so excruciating because it is the painful exposure of the believed failure of self to the self. [selves to selves too we believe] In toxic shame the self becomes an object that can't be trusted, one exeriences oneself [selves] as untrustworthy. Toxic shame is experienced as inner torment, a sickness of the soul. If I'm an object that can't be trusted, then I'm not in me. Toxic shame is paradoxical and self-generating. There is shame about shame. People will readily admit guilt, hurt or fear before they will admit shame. Toxic shame is the feeling of being isolated and alone in a complete sense. A shame-based person is haunted by a sense of absence and emptiness..."


Shame as an Identity - Internalization of Shame

Any human emotion can become internalized. When internalized, an emotion stops functioning in the manner of an emotion and becomes a characterological style. You probably know of someone who could be labeled 'an angry person', or someone you'd call a 'sad sack'. In both cases the emotion has become the core of the person's character, her identity. The person doesn't have anger or melancholy, she is angry and melancholy.

In the case of shame, internalization involves at least three processes:

1)Identification with unreliable and shame based models
2)The trauma of abandonment, and the binding of feelings, needs and drives with shame
3)The interconnection of memory imprints which forms collages of shame

Internalization is a gradual process and happens over a period of time. Every human being has to contend with certain aspects of this process. Internalization takes place when all three processes are consistently reinforced."


Shame as Self-Alienation and Isolation

When one suffers from alienation, it means that one experiences parts of one's self as alien to one's self.

For example, if you were never allowed to express anger in your family, your anger becomes an alienated part of yourself. You experience toxic shame when you feel angry. This part of you must be disowned or severed. There is no way to get rid of your emotional power of anger. Anger is the self-preserving and self-protecting energy. Without this energy you become a doormat and a people-pleaser. As your feelings, needs and drives are bound by toxic shame, more and more of you is alienated.

Finally, when shame has been completely internalized, nothing about you is okay. You feel flawed and inferior; you have a sense of being a failure. There is no way you can share your inner self because you are an object of contempt to yourself. When you are contemptible to yourself, you are no longer in you. To feel shame is to feel seen in an exposed and diminished way. When you're an object to yourself, you turn your eyes inward, watching and scrutinizing every minute detail of behavior. This internal critical observation is excruciating. It generates a tormenting self-consciousness which Kaufman describes as, 'creating a binding and paralyzing effect upon the self.' This paralyzing internal monitoring causes withdrawal, passivity and inaction.

The severed parts of self are projected in relationships. They are often the basis of hatred and prejudice. The severed parts of the self may be experienced as a split personality or even multiple personalities. This happens often with victims who have been through physical and sexual violation.

To be severed and alienated within oneself also creates a sense of unreality. One may have an all-pervasive sense of never quite belonging, of being on the outside looking in. The condition of inner alienation and isolation is also pervaded by a low grade chronic depression. This has to do with the sadness of losing one's authentic self. Perhaps the deepest and most devastating aspect of neurotic shame is the rejection of the self by the self."


Shame as False Self

Because the exposure of self to self lies at the heart of neurotic shame, escape from the self is necessary. The escape from self is accomplished by creating a false self. The false self is always more or less than human. The false self may be a perfectionist or a slob, a family hero or a family scapegoat. As the false self is formed, the authentic self goes into hiding. Years later the layers of defense and pretense are so intense that one loses all awareness of who one really is.

It is crucial to see that the false self may be as polar opposite as a superachieving perfectionist or an addict in an alley. Both are driven to cover up their deep sense of self-rupture, the hole in their soul. They may cover up in ways that look polar opposite, but each is still driven by neurotic shame. In fact, the most paradoxical aspect of neurotic shame is that it is the core motivator of the superachieved and the underachieved, the Star and the Scapegoat, the 'Righteous' and the wretched, the powerful and the pathetic."


Shame as Co-Dependency

Much has been written about co-dependency. All agree that it is about the loss of selfhood. Co-dependency is a condition wherein one has no inner life. Happiness is on the outside. Good feelings and self-validation lie on the outside. They can never be generated from within. [until one begins to recover] Pia Mellody's definition of co-dependency is a 'state of dis-ease whereby the authentic self is unknown or kept hidden, so that a sense of self...of mattering... of esteem and connectedness to others is distorted, creating pain and distorted relationships.' There is no significant difference in that definition and the way I have described internalized shame. It is my belief that internalized shame is the essence of co-dependency.


Functional Autonomy

Once internalized, toxic shame is functionally autonomous, which means that it can be triggered internally without any attending stimulus. One can imagine a situation and feel deep shame. One can be alone and trigger a shaming spiral through internal self-talk. The more one experiences shame, the more one is ashamed and the beat goes on.

It is this dead-end quality of shame that makes it so hopeless. The possibility for repair seems foreclosed if one is essentially flawed as a human being. Add to that the self-generating quality of shame, and one can see the devastating, soul-murdering power of neurotic shame.

The reader can begin to see how dramatic it was for me to discover the dynamics of shame. By being aware of the dynamics of shame, by naming it, we gain some power over it."

The excruciating loneliness fostered by toxic shame is dehumanizing. As a person isolates more and more, he loses the benefit of human feedback. He loses the mirroring eyes of others. Erik Erikson has demonstrated clearly that identity formation is always a social process. He defines identity as 'an inner sense of sameness and continuity which is matched by the mirroring eyes of at least one significant other'. Remember, it was the contaminated mirroring by our significant relationships that fostered our toxic shame.

In order to be healed we must come out of isolation and hiding. This means finding a group of significant others that we are willing to trust. This is tough for shame-based people.

Shame becomes toxic shame because of premature exposure. We are exposed either unexpectedly or before we are ready to be exposed. We feel helpless and powerless. No wonder then that we fear the scrutinizing eyes of others. However the only way out of toxic shame is to embrace the shame...we must come out of hiding."


Shame As Spiritual Bankruptcy

The problem of toxic shame is ultimately a spiritual problem. I call it “spiritual bankruptcy”. I suggested earlier that spirituality is the essence of human existence. We are not material beings on a spiritual journey; we are spiritual beings who need an earthly journey to become fully spiritual.

Spirituality is lifestyle – that which enhances and expands life. Therefore, spirituality is about growth and expansion, newness and creativity. Spirituality is about being. Being is that victorious thrust whereby we triumph over nothingness. Being is about why there is something, rather than nothing. Being is the ground of all the beings that are.


And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed - Genesis 2:25