Thursday, December 3, 2009
Happy One's Journey with Courage
This is Happy One's journey with us. I honor this guy's commitment and determination to face his issues by undergoing the Living Waters Program (now you know why I used the boat imagery and the lake above? just kidding). This guy is also one of the courageous brothers who braved the deep murky flood waters on a wooden banca to distribute relief goods to one of our brother's relatives trapped in their home at the height of Typhoon Ondoy deluge. Now, that's the real reason why I put on the boat above. - to keep that spark of courage burning and alive in your heart. Stay happy.
I thought I have only two options. My first option is to suppress my feelings and the desire to enter into an intimate relationship with the same sex and live according to what I believe is morally good – a life of misery and bitterness. My second option is to tolerate my feeling, look for a same-sex partner and live together setting aside the Christian values and beliefs I have learned – a life stricken with guilt.
I never knew that I still have the third option and that is to understand why I am having this same sex attraction and how I am suppose to deal with it in a Christian way – a life of continuous healing in restoring the true masculinity perfectly designed by God since the beginning of time.
My Courage family opened this third option to me and I felt good. It gave me new hope and a sense of direction in life that would draw me closer to God.
After joining the group, I have come to realize that I need others in my struggle with the same sex attraction. I thought before that I can treat it on my own. Perhaps it is because I have no one to talk to that could connect with me even with my closest friends who knew about my struggle. I am thankful to know that I met and gained new friends that support each other in our fight to live a Christian life amidst the gender insecurities we all have.
Indeed, my life after joining Courage started to become a healing journey. It started from defining who I really am and it happened on my first meeting with my Courage brother. I once labeled myself as bisexual, a better term (for me) than being labeled as gay. Since this is how I defined myself, I embrace the lifestyle and engage myself into various sexual encounters with men, cybersex, porn and masturbation. I was hooked to it and none of my friends then knew it. It was a life hidden from my family as well. However, when I joined my Courage family, the first thing that I learned is that my attraction with the same sex does not define my total being. When my Courage brother revealed this to me, I was taken aback for all along I never knew it. All the while I thought homosexuality defines me and I could not accept it. I hated myself for it and I carried this hatred all throughout my life. Realizing that I can be who I want to be regardless of my attraction with the same sex was liberating.
Then as if perfectly planned, I just found myself discovering and understanding where I am coming from that leads me into having attraction with men. Through my support group, I was able to join the Living Waters program, a program for sexually and relationally broken people. From there, I discover further the other issues in my life that I still yet to resolve in order for the healing process to take place in my life.
My healing journey continues as I began now to acknowledge the different issues where I am struggling like pornography and masturbation and my relationship with my father. I have to admit that living a chaste life as I am called for is not really easy. It even becomes more difficult because I have to confess it to the group. It is necessary to bring it to the light what I did in the dark for I know what is willfully hidden God cannot heal. My Courage brother always reminds me of this and he always encourages me to be rigorously honest with the group.
Healing could be a lifetime process but as long as I am with God and I have a community that I can trust and would support me all throughout my journey, I will remain at peace. With Courage, I know I am home.