Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Confessions of a Closet Gay Doctor
For the second time around this year, one of our Courage brothers shares his SSA struggles in the August edition of Kerygma magazine! I would like to take this opportunity to honor Bro. Gerald for his exceptional courage in revealing his struggle to his mother and his firm desire to overcome his weakness. This is the true confession of Bro. Gerald as told to Ms. Judith Conception.
I lived a life full of pretensions and lies. My life was a charade. I was very good at my act that no one suspected who I really was. Nobody knew my deepest, darkest secret except those whom I had intimate relations with.
I was nine years old when I noticed that I was attracted to men, especially older and cute guys. I started to have sexual relationships with older men when I was 12. Despite my same-sex attractions and gay relationships, I denied the fact that I was gay because during those times, I was the one being pursued; I acted as the female in those relationships.
I didn’t tell my family about my same-sex attractions. I didn’t want to disappoint my parents, especially my dad. I was the one expected to carry his family name, being the only boy among eight siblings. I felt scared that I would be ostracized if my family learned about this. I also kept this hidden from my high school classmates. I feared that they would desert me and not speak to me anymore because my effeminate classmates were being bullied and abused by my male classmates. I didn’t want that to happen to me. This fear continued throughout my college life, to the point of being paranoid at times. I wasn’t effeminate in my ways and I managed to act like a straight guy on the outside. To help cover up my true sexuality, I joined the Boy Scout, played softball, basketball and volleyball just to be one of the boys.
Hitting Rock Bottom
I was in third year college when I confessed to my friend and confidant – a straight guy – that I was gay. He was the first person to know about my true identity. He did not condemn me but instead accepted me for who I was. We became the best of friends. I felt good when I was able to pour out everything to him.
In 1998, my life hit rock bottom. My life was in total disarray because by then I was deep into homosexual activities. My life had lost direction, meaning and purpose. I appeared to be jolly outside but deep within I felt lonely and empty. I felt I was a hopeless case until Divine Providence led me to Tita Dulce’s column in the Philippine Daily Inquirer. She advised a letter sender to get in touch with Courage, a Catholic support group for persons with same-sex attractions who wanted to live a chaste life in accordance with the Roman Catholic Church’s teaching on homosexuality.
I found my way to Courage, and there I felt a sense of belonging. The teachings helped me understand my homosexual dynamics, deal with my same-sex attractions and control my sexual desires. I have come to realize that a homosexual relationship is just an illusion and it’s a sin to engage in such a relationship. I began to accept that man is made only for woman and that true union is achieved through the sacrament of marriage.
As part of the healing process, I needed to confess my sins to another person (aside from a priest) whom I could trust and to whom I would be accountable. I had thoughts then of telling the truth to my mom. But I didn’t act on it because I didn’t think it was important for her to know and I didn’t want to involve her in my problem. Though my progress was slow, I was able to reveal myself later to people whom I trusted.
The Revelation Day
On September 28, 2007, I attempted to tell my mom about my secret. Months before, I prepared myself by going to confession, making consultations with a priest and with Bro. Rollie (incumbent head of Courage) about my plans, and rehearsing the lines I was going to say. I was all set when my sister dropped the bomb and confessed to my mom that she was a lesbian and had moved in with her girlfriend. I didn’t push through with my plan as I wanted to spare my mom of the additional burden and heartache. But I continued to pray to the Lord for the right time to reveal my secret.
In August 2008, I had a missed call from my mom on my cell phone. I returned her call and asked why she called.
She asked, “Is it true what I had been hearing about you? Are you gay?”
This is it, I said to myself. This may be the God-given moment I had been waiting for. “Do you really want to know the truth, Nanay?” I replied. “Then I will tell you the truth. Your suspicion is right. Everything that you heard from other people is true. I wanted to tell you this for the longest time but I was just waiting for the right timing.”
I heard her sob on the other end of the line. I didn’t hide anything from her and confessed about my sexual relationships with other guys. She advised me, “Son, be careful with the men that you have relations with. Don’t let them abuse you. Pray hard and avoid temptations. Instead of spending your money on these men, better help your elder sister in sending your nieces and nephews to school.”
After we talked, I felt light as if a huge burden was lifted from my chest and shoulders. Two months after that revelation, my mom had a massive stroke and passed away.
Keeping secrets and living in pretension had been tiresome. I had no inner peace. Telling the truth liberated me. It freed me from the guilt of living a double life and from the paralyzing fear of being discovered of my weaknesses.
My battle with homosexuality is not yet finished. Every day is a continuous battle for me to choose between good and evil. I still have my struggles with my same-sex attractions. I’m still a work in progress. But whenever I fall, I rise again and learn from my mistakes.
I look forward to the day when, through God’s mercy and grace, I would be healed of all my wounds – free from my homosexual bondages – and become a complete man.
(P.S.: Grab a copy of Kerygma Magazine at your nearest local bookstore now!)