Thursday, January 14, 2010
M&M's Journey with Courage
This is M&M's journey with Courage. All I can say about this lady is that she is one of the most amiable and thoughtful persons around. She is truly a joy to be with.
I have been with the group at exactly 11 months by now. At first I was very hesitant to attend because I’m afraid that the group will judge me, but I was wrong. Instead, I’ve found a new set of friends that will help me and will guide me towards my struggle. I was very amazed seeing some of my brothers and sisters in the group. Why? Because I’ve found them very “pogi” and “handsome” and “beautiful”. No kidding! They are all peace-loving men and women.
During my 11 months of journey with the group, I must say that it’s not very easy for me like any other members. Until now, I’m still in pain – that pain almost makes my heart and life turn around. My experience and struggle with SSA made me an undesirable person (as I think of myself) because I never thought that I will have such struggle since I’m a devout Catholic and involved in many different church activities and organizations. Last 2008 was a big challenge in my life; an answered prayer came. When Bro. Rollie was our speaker, he talked about how the church deal with people with SSA. I found a way of how I can get his number and became interested in joining the group. Because I want to change, that is one desire of my heart.
I know from that time on God has a wonderful plan for me. I really tried my best to attend the group meeting although sometimes my schedule does not permit me to come, but I knew that the group is praying for me. Surprises by surprises came. One of those happened last May 2009 when for the first time I attended the group outing. I thought that all of the members will join since it’s a group activity. Guess what? I am the only girl in the group of 11 men. I am surrounded with 11 “handsome” men, but since I’m the only girl they call me “yaya”. One of them call me “ate” even though he is much older than me, but it’s fine with me. It was the first time in my life that I was not afraid being with boys. When I was young I was taught by my grandmother to stay away from boys, maybe because she is afraid because I’m the eldest granddaughter. I don’t know how to swim, but my brothers carry me in their backs just to go to the deep part of the pool. I went home happy telling my family my experience. They were also surprised knowing that I’m the only girl in the group.
My life continues after that keeping it in my heart. Months pass by, my emotional dependency still keeps my heart and my everyday life ruined I must say. Because I cannot anymore work and be focused in my life, I ask God to really give me the grace to move on and be healed by God. It’s not easy because I refuse God’s grace maybe because I really give my whole heart not to God but with my ED. It’s also God’s blessing that Bro. Rollie, Kuya B, and Ate C were there to support me, answering every text, phone calls, and always ready to listen to my mourning.
Thanks to the continuous prayer of the group for me and with the other members because now I can say that step by step I felt that God is guiding me in my way towards chastity and goodness. I always remember Fr. Dan telling me to always trust God every time I would feel emptiness and loneliness because it is only in God that I can find true solace and peace. Those are just some changes in my life this year. I finally accepted that I will never be happy with that past relationship. All I want now is to be happy and have a peace in my heart. And who knows maybe God has a greater plan for me this year.